I grew up in a family of four kids, and I remember how even in the '80's that was sometimes considered a large family (though not uncommon). While we ain't got nuthin' on those folks who do a great job of raising, say, eight or more kiddos, we still end up as a main event when I go out with these punkins on my own.
But I do it. Going to Costco on a weekday morning is really a better use of our time than wasting family time on the weekend when The Papa is home and can hang out with us. If we have to do the divide-and-conquer thing in order to allow one of us an evening off, I'd rather meet a friend for coffee than head out to the grocery store. So I just take a deep breath, pass out some snacks, and go for it.
And here's what we look like: I am wearing Bella on my back; Sadie and Oli are in the child seats, and Benjamin is either orbiting around us like a satellite or dangling off the side of the basket like some sort of unfortunate growth.
I can see why we attract attention.
Most of the time comments are benign:
"Oh, you've got your hands full!"
"Wow, how old are they?"
"Are those two twins?" (Indicating Sadie and Oli.)
"I could never do that. I can barely handle one." (I have empathy for this parent. That's how I felt for a while with one, and then two. But as they get older, you find strength for the next.)
Sometimes people are a little more intrusive, more out of ignorance or an attempt to be nice than anything:
"Are they all yours?" (Definitely noticing that we don't look much alike.) When I answer, "Yes," they sometimes follow up with, "I mean, are they all yours?"
"Wow! You look great for having all these kids! I mean, look at you!" as they eyeball my 10 month old. (So...do I take credit for a body that didn't actually bounce back from labor four times? One time I mentioned adoption, but that opened up a can of worms with a very loud and tactless lady, so now I just say thanks and let them think I'm Supermom.)
I do try to be strategic about when we go out en masse. I much prefer decently behaved kids to wild and whiny ones. Folks will often use my children's occasional good behavior as a segue into telling me about the kids they witnessed yesterday melting down in public. A checker at Costco once went on and on about the parents who went through the entire warehouse with two screaming and crying little ones.
"I mean, why didn't they just take them home? Who does that? They should have fed them something."
What I am thinking is, that could have been me. That could be me tomorrow. The thing is, if the bystander is irritated by the child's behavior, you can be darn sure that parent is, too. No one likes being the person with squawking kids in a public space. No one goes out thinking - "I feel like getting judged for my parenting today. Come on tired, hungry kids, let's do this!" But we all find ourselves in that position from time to time. And we are there because we feel like it is the best option out of available (unfortunate) options...like feeding everyone water and dry beans for dinner that night.
Anyhoo. My favorite story is next.
One morning I'm walking through the halls at the doctor's office, herding the children to someone's appointment. An old man starts talking to us as we pass. "Oh, you sure got your hands full!"
"Yes, I do." I smile at him. He smiles at me, but his eyes are already drifting from one child to the next. He is counting and processing.
"Ah, you've got quite a young man right there," he says, indicating Benjamin.
"Yep, he's getting big!" I beckon Sadie to catch up; she's a drifter. The man continues taking it all in.
"Wow, those two are barely...wow...how do you get them all places? Oh." He spots Bella on my back now. "Oh..."
Here we go.
"Are those all yours? Don't you think you have enough?" We keep walking.
"You probably should slow down now!" His voice is raised, and he is irritated. He does not like that I have four kids. He thinks I procreated four times. He thinks there is something very wrong with that. He probably noticed that three baby daddies were involved.
We now get to absorb the discontent of any vocal person who believes that four plus kids is a problem. And this happens (not always as colorfully) with some regularity. Since we became a large family six months ago, I have fielded verbal barbs three times. That's an average of once every two months. I do think that the ages of the kids is part of what bothers people - they just look like so many and so unmanageable. And not everyone is comfortable with the busy-ness of little people. (Heck, I'm not totally comfortable with the busy-ness of my little people!)
I'm not mad or on a rant or anything. I know there is a lot of ignorance that simply comes from lack of experience. But I am baffled by the mindset that it's OK to make public comments about a stranger's family. In every instance of disrespect, the individual was someone who had gray hair. In other words, they were old enough to know better. Or perhaps they were old enough to think that their opinion mattered more than mine when it comes to my family.
I'll leave my observations there. For now, if you see us out in public, just imagine the circus dropped by. Feel free to smile and wave.