Nap Time, Again

So it appears that whatever a mama tries works intermittently. Sometimes the spanking works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes all the putting back into bed works, mostly it doesn't.

Yesterday I made the mistake of leaving the house after Little P was supposedly calm and in bed. Diana was in charge.

I returned two hours later to this:

Little P was dancing around his room, singing as best as he could with an open tube of Burt's Bees diaper rash paste in his mouth. As I entered the room, he cheerfully shouted out, "Hi, Mama!

Diaper paste was everywhere. All over his face, his hands, his shirt, his pants. On the walls. On the dresser, and the bed, and the chair, and the easel, and the table.

One beautiful pop-up book was on the floor, the pop-up parts shredded.

There was a fresh bite mark in his new table.

Toys were everywhere.

Parts of his "art" that had been on the wall were shredded and on the floor.

If it were someone else's kid, I would be laughing. Actually, I did find it funny until I saw the bitten table and then I was mad. And sad. I cannot leave him alone while he's awake, and this is very tough for a mama.

So, today we took a different approach. Little P will now be taking naps in his playpen. In fact, that's where he is right now.

If I was a Tweeter...

this is what I would be saying right now:

Started nap time two hours ago, and we're still trying to get around to sleeping. From the sounds coming out of Little P's bedroom, it would appear that I am torturing him. I pray the neighbors do not call CPS. In reality, all I am doing is reentering his room every few minutes to lay him back down into bed. No shouting. Few words. Not even a spanking. Just placing him back in bed.

There is no battle like a battle of will.

Transitioning to a Big Boy Bed

In response to a question from VCW and at the risk of offending all the people who disapprove of spanking as an approach to discipline, I hereby tentatively share my concrete approach (and all its mishaps) to helping Little P learn how to transition to a "big boy" bed.

We had little trouble getting Benjamin to stay in his new bed at night. I don't even remember what the first night was like, if he got out of bed or anything. He is so tired in the evenings that he dives into bed and happily closes his eyes (after pitching everything over the side...he doesn't like animals or pillows, and he begrudgingly tolerates a blanket).

Naps, on the other hand, are a totally different story.

Benjamin is currently on a one (majorly needed) nap a day for close to three hours. He truly needs a minimum of two hours - anything shorter and we are mi-ser-a-ble an hour later. He was going down around 11:00, though on many days lately he's not quite ready until 12:00.

So. The techniques.

When Benjamin is all riled up and ornery, going down for a nap is cause for much drama. His first attempts at napping in a bed that did not contain him were like eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He thought he had freedom to do as he pleased simply because the physical barrier had been removed. Goodness gracious.

I started by approaching getting out of bed as defiance. (Defiance is the only reason for which I spank him.) For example, I put him to bed with the usual routine and then left the room. When I walked past the door and saw the light switching on and off rapidly, I went in, reexplained the expectation, and put him to bed.

Upon the second offense, he got one swift, hard smack on the bum (setting off the tears) and put him into bed with a kiss, an "I love you", and an admonition to stay in bed.

The first one or two times this worked. But then the swagger of the freedom to get out of bed built up. One afternoon I spanked him in six consecutive occasions over the course of an hour. He was not relenting, and he was not falling asleep, and we were not getting anywhere. I was frustrated and tired. So was he. In fact, he was by that time overtired, and that is a realm that no parent wants to enter.

I can't recall if it was that same day or the next, but at some point early on I recalled a technique I had seen on the Supernanny show. She coached parents to do this when they started enforcing a bedtime for the first time (I am always amazed by parents who do not think bedtime is important) and the children would keep coming out of their rooms or crawling into their parents beds. The trick is this: do the bedtime routine with the child. Spend the time to lovingly, calmly get them into bed. Remind them to stay there if need be. Then turn off the lights and sit somewhere in the room with your back to them until they fall asleep.

Sounds easy, no? The truth is, for a kid who is determined to do his own thing, that poor parent has to follow Supernanny's other instructions...every time the child gets out of bed, the parent says nothing, but physically places the child back into bed. On the show, sometimes parents do this 115 times over a two-and-a-half-hour period. The kid screams, rants, kicks, and throws himself around. Mom silently reinforces the expectation with no show of emotion and no verbal engagement in haggling, explaining, promising, bribing, or begging.

I do remember it was a Sunday after church. I was tired. I really wanted to go take a nap myself. The Papa was lying in bed reading a magazine, and Little P was wildly not succumbing to sleep. The spankings were not working. I needed a new approach. I knew it was time to buckle down for however long was required to do the technique right. I launched into it.

Little P fought with the force of a strong-willed toddler. He got out of bed. I put him back silently. He kicked and screamed. He got out of bed. I put him back. This occurred about three dozen times. In between getting out of bed, he kicked his legs on his bed (thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump!), bit the railings, threw himself against the railings, threw his blanket out of the bed, and wailed. He also tried other methods:

"Mama? I love you. Mama? I love you. I love you, Mama."

"Whatchoo doin'? Mama, whatchoo doin'?"

"Are you happy, Mama? I happy."

"I gonna play cars, Mama. OK? I gonna play cars." [He got out of bed and tried to walk to the car bin.]

"Peekaboo, Mama." I looked back because it sounded like he sat up and found him peering through the bars on the guard rail. "Peekaboo, Mama. I see you. Mama? Look at me."

He put his feet on the railing and moved them along the slats. "I climbing the ladder. I climbing the ladder. Mama? I climbing the ladder."

I did not respond to any conversation starters. I also ignored all noise and behavior EXCEPT the two things I cared about - sitting up in bed and getting out of bed. He could rage, sing or talk as long as he was horizontal. Then came this...

"OK. I goin' sit up now. OK, Mama? I goin' sit up....[rustling around is heard]. I sitting up, Mama."

Oh, he is too, too funny, this child.

This first attempt took an hour and twenty minutes, but he finally fell asleep.

I closed the door and walked out a new Mama. I had won that battle, and it was a foundational one. I had stuck it out to the bitter end. My will outlasted his. I was fair, not cruel. I was the authority. He would gain a new respect for nap time.

Sort of.

It actually took a few more of such standoffs to make the point, but none lasted as long as that first one. I occasionally still have to sit there for a half hour, but now he just yammers and kicks his legs. He will not get out of bed or even sit up if I am there.

And even the spanking, when needed, is more effective. Here's my one other method:

Yesterday I was going to go visit a friend. The Papa was sick in bed, and Little P was not performing on schedule. I sat in his room for fifteen minutes and was worried about being late to meet my friend. He was lying there talking to himself, and his punchy mood told me he posed a flight risk. I couldn't have him messing around with no one to follow up on him, and I didn't want The Papa inconvenienced (given his physical state), so I left the room and stood right outside the door. Almost immediately I heard little feet running around and something clunked off the shelf.

I swung open the door, swooped him up over my knee, gave a single, hard spank, and put him into bed. (My spanking method is to only give one swat, but it is hard enough to hurt. It is my opinion that this is more powerful than 4-5 wimpy hits. Also, a child who is spanked should experience consistency. He should know how many hits he's going to get so that there's no fear of if it's going to be two or ten. The number of hits should never depend on the parent's mood or level of frustration. This is confusing and harmful to the child and/or the relationship. Likewise, if the spank is going to matter to the child, it needs to smart.)

I did the usual kiss and "I love you," and goodnight, and left the room. I waited until he quit crying and talking to himself and then reentered the room. He was still in bed. I praised him for it explicitly. "Wow! You're doing such a good job staying in bed! What a big boy! I'm proud of you!" I got ready to go and just before leaving I popped my head in again. He was still awake, but his eyes were drooping. He was still lying in bed, so I said all the praise again.

(It's important to be explicit when praising children. They are not just being a "good boy or girl", they are doing a good job on _______. Or they are being obedient/kind/helpful/safe by following Mama's instructions/sharing the truck/cleaning off the table/holding Mama's hand while walking through the parking lot. This is how they learn exactly what is pleasing and exactly what is not appropriate.)

I left to visit my friend, confident that he was really going to stay in bed until he fell asleep.

So, those are the two ways I handle the getting-out-of-bed problem. I think that which one is effective depends on where your child is in the process. Supernanny's approach is really good for establishing the expectation and helping the kid understand you are serious and committed to the routine. The spanking works better after the expectation is clear and the child needs a little dose of external motivation in order to pull off the self-control part.

Does anyone else have suggestions?