THE TALK

One of my goals for this summer was to teach the two oldest kiddos about sex. We now have a 3rd grader and a very mature Kindergartner. How did I know either one of them was ready? The trigger was the oldest child's scientific mind: as we were driving around town he asked, "Mom, I know how a baby would get DNA from his mother because he grows inside of her. But how does he get DNA from his father?"

It's pretty impossible to answer that without being honest about the details.

And it's pretty hard to put off that answer without sending the signal that somehow it's taboo.

And because this child is such a persistent learner, the question was clearly not going to go away on its own.

And since the second child is already FAR more aware of bodies and body stuff than I imagined at this age, and because she's the most committed sidekick to the first child (who I'm guessing would not be able to keep his mouth shut forever), The Papa and I just decided to teach them both together.

For a little more background, studies have shown that it's healthier (and kids make healthier decisions in the future) when parents talk early and often about sex--kids who get the scoop from parents learn to trust their parents to give them accurate information; they are also more likely to have sex later than their peers and use protection when they do; and they tend to pick up their parents' attitudes and values surrounding sex.

A family therapist once told me that the average age when children hear about BJs for the very first time is first grade. FIRST GRADE, people. Now of course they don't have the brain development to totally get what they're hearing but still. Do I want my kids to trust playground wisdom or do I want them to come to me? I am not going to keep my head in the sand about this subject.

For more authority on the subject, here are a few articles and facts that might be informative:

TIME Magazine shares why it's often "Too Little, Too Late."

The CDC has sexual risk statistics for 2015.

The Guttmacher Institute reports on how teens learn about sexual health.

The Palo Alto Medical Foundation emphasizes that parents are the most important sexuality educators for their children. 

Now I didn't need all those sources to tell me this is a good idea, but they provide some evidence of the importance of being the first and the best source of information for our kids, as well as an ongoing source of information. It's not a one-stop talk.

I headed into the first conversation today lead by The Talk by Luke Gilkerson. I'll tell you about that in a minute, but first I want to share a few tidbits from the parent introduction. Gilkerson talks about the work his organization does with families that have been affected by porn obsession, including kids who have been exposed as young as 8, 9, or 10 years old. One of the things the parents say is this: "I wish I would have spoken with my child sooner about sex."

Another point I appreciated: "In some conservative religious Christian circles, sex is treated as gross, a necessary function they'd rather not talk about. In the world, sex is treated like a god, an ultimate source of pleasure, meaning, and value. Neither of these is a right biblical attitude. Sex is not gross. It is not God. But it is good. As parents it is not only our job to communicate to our children what sex is, but a godly attitude about it."

The introduction also explains why, in most cases, the best age to begin talking about sex is between the ages of six and ten. I won't go into it here, but it's comforting to read, actually.

Now I don't want to betray my kiddos by sharing their responses in too much detail. You can imagine the "Ew!" and the "I'm so embarrassed" and so on. But what was curious to me was the complete respect they both had for the womb--talking about how the body produces and brings a baby into the world blew their minds in the best way possible. When I asked them what they found most interesting about all the stuff we talked about, they both had their spin on that information. My firstborn found it even more fascinating than anything he learned about his own body.

I'm pretty sure that, while they didn't mention it, learning all the technical terms for the parts of the body "down there" was exciting for them. Like looking up the rectum, and understanding how the urethra works, and comparing the male and female systems.

And I did cry from laughing at one point as one child gyrated in an attempt to get down the logistics of it all.

If you are curious about this resource, I highly recommend it! There are seven lessons, all Biblically based. (We accomplished the first two today, because the BIG QUESTION of "HOW" was left unanswered by the first lesson.)

1. God Made them Male and Female
2. Go Forth and Multiply
3. Wonderfully Made
4. The Two Shall Become One Flesh
5. You Shall Not Commit Adultery
6. Do Not Violate Me
7. Bought With a Price

Get The Talk on Amazon.

May this be helpful, fellow parents, as you navigate this tricky subject. I am already loving it!

Things to Do - Montessori Style

OK, these things aren't limited to Montessori education; I just discovered them as I was researching Montessori education. These are excerpts from a list of 101 things you can do for/with your children.  

Here are some of my favorites:

3. Take the time to stand back and observe your child carefully and note the characteristics he/she is displaying.

5. Make sure your child gets sufficient sleep.

7. Teach grace and courtesy in the home. Model it. Use courtesy with your child and help your child to demonstrate it.

11. Read together daily.

13. Allow sufficient time for your child to dress himself/herself.

14. Allow your child to collaborate with food preparation.

15. If possible allow your child a plot of land or at least a flower pot in which to experience growing things.

16. Take walks together at the child's pace, pausing to notice things and talk about them.

18. Eliminate or strictly limit TV watching and replace with activity oriented things which involve the child rather than his/her being a passive observer. When the child does watch TV, watch it with him/her and discuss what is being seen.

19. From the earliest age give your child the responsibility to pick up after himself/herself, i.e., return toys to place, put dirty clothes in laundry basket, clear dishes to appropriate place, clean off sink after use, etc. This necessitates preparing the environment so children know where things go.

20. Hug regularly but don't impose affection. Recognize the difference.

21. Assign regular household tasks that need to be done to maintain the household to your child as age appropriate. (Perhaps setting silverware and napkins on the table, sorting, recycling. dusting, watering plants, etc.)

24. Talk to your child clearly without talking down. Communicate with respect and give the child the gift of language, new words and expressions.

25. When talking to your child, physically get on his/her level, be still, and make eye contact.

26. Sing! Voice quality does not matter. Sing together regularly. Build a repertoire of family favorites.

27. Refrain from over-structuring your child's time with formal classes and activities. Leave time to "just be," to play, explore, create.

30. Count. Utilize natural opportunities that arise.

31. Tell and re-tell family based stories. For example, "On the day you were born..."

32. Look at family pictures together. Help your child be aware of his/her extended family, names, and relationships.

34. Assist your child to be aware of his/her feelings, to have vocabulary for emotions and be able to express them.

35. Play games together. Through much repetition children learn to take turns, to win and lose.

36. Together, do things to help others. For example, take food to an invalid neighbor, contribute blankets to a homeless shelter, give toys to those who have none, etc.

37. Speak the language of the virtues. Talk about patience, cooperativeness, courage, ingenuity, cheerfulness, helpfulness, kindness, etc. and point out those virtues when you see them demonstrated.

38. Refrain from giving your child too much "stuff." If there is already too much, give some away or store and rotate.

39. Memorize poetry and teach it to your child and recite it together.

40. Put up a bird feeder. Let your child have responsibility for filling it. Together learn to be good watchers and learn about the birds you see.

41. Whenever you go somewhere with your child, prepare him/her for what is going to happen and what will be expected of him/her at the store, restaurant, doctor's office, etc.

42. Express appreciation to your child and others and help your child to do the same. Send thank you notes for gifts. Young children can dictate or send a picture. Older children can write their own. What is key is learning the importance of expressing appreciation.

43. Help your child to learn to like healthful foods. Make trying new things fun. Talk about foods and how they look or describe the taste. Introduce the word "savor" and teach how to do it.

44. When food shopping, talk to your child about what you see -- from kumquats to lobsters. Talk about where food items come from. Talk about the people who help us by growing, picking, transporting, and displaying food.

46. While driving, point things out and discuss -- construction work, interesting buildings, vehicles, bridges, animals.

47. Teach the language of courtesy. Don't let your child interrupt. Teach how to wait after saying, "Excuse me, please."

48. Analyze any annoying behavior of your child and teach from the positive. For example: door slamming -- teach how to close a door; running in the house -- teach how to walk; runny nose -- teach how to use a tissue.

49. Spend quality time with people of different ages.

51. Help your child to have positive connections with people of diverse ethnicity, language, and beliefs.

52. Laugh a lot. Play with words. Tell jokes. Help your child to develop a sense of humor.

55. Have a globe or atlas in the house, and whenever names of places come up locate them with the child.

56. Make sure your child has the tools he/she needs -- child size broom, mop, dust pan, whisk broom, duster, etc., to help maintain the cleanliness of the household.

57. Learn to say, "No," without anger, and with firmness and conviction. Not everything children want is appropriate.

59. Refrain from laughing at your child.

60. Alert children to upcoming events so they can mentally prepare, e.g., "In ten minutes, it will be time for bed."

63. Refrain from replacing everything that gets broken. Help children to learn the value of money, and, the consequences of actions.

64. Take a nighttime walk -- listen to sounds, observe the moon, smell the air.

68. Expose your child to all sorts of music.

69. Talk about art, visit statue gardens, and make short visits to museums and look at a couple of pictures. Make it meaningful and enjoyable.

73. Aid the child in absorbing a sense of beauty: expose him/her to flowers, woods, and natural materials, and avoid plastic.

74. Help your child start a collection of something interesting.

75. Talk about the colors (don't forget shades), textures, and shapes you see around you.

78. Refrain from doing for a child what he/she can do for himself/herself.

79. Provide opportunities for physical activity -- running, hopping, skipping, climbing. Teach them how. Go to a playground if necessary.

80. Teach children how to be still and make "silence." Do it together. Children love to be in a meditative space if given the opportunity.

84. Provide a place to just dig. Allow your child to get totally dirty sometimes without inhibitions.

85. Refrain from offering material rewards or even excessive praise. Let the experience of accomplishment be its own reward.

86. Don't speak for your child to others. Give the space for the child to speak for himself/herself, and if he/she doesn't it's okay.

87. Apologize to your child when you've made a mistake.

89. Learn to wait. Some things people want to give their children or do with them are more appropriate at a later age. Be patient, the optimal time will come. Stay focused on where they are right now.

91. Tell them what you value in them. Let them hear you express what you value in others.

92. Always tell the truth.

94. Ride the bus; take a train -- at least once.

99. Talk about right, left, straight, turn, north, south, east, west, in a natural way so your child develops a sense of direction and the means to talk about it.

Adoption and Bonding

Just a cool little personal essay from a woman who gave birth to two sons, and recently adopted an older girl from China: click here.

Free Range Parenting...all the way

OK, I am going to have a hard time not doing this every time I read something cool on this site, but I just feel that this is a good entry to share on how being a Free Range Parent is not just about the big moments, but in the details of every day life. Enjoy.

I'm Mama P and I'm a Free Range Parent.

"...basing our parenting decisions on worst-case scenarios does not make us better parents. It makes us the parents of kids who don’t get to do much." Lenore Skenazy, mother who let her nine-year-old son take the subway home in NYC which raised enormous controversy. She's rad. You can read her blog here: Free Range Kids.

Where there is a will, there is a more difficult way.

Little P is shaping up to be a willful child. Honestly, I thought I was supposed to get another six months to a year before this kind of behavior hit. Maybe he's an early bloomer. Maybe this means we'll get through this part sooner than everyone else. Or, maybe, just maybe, he qualifies as a, gasp, strong-willed child. (As I write this, a very tired Little P is raging in his bed with the most incredibly high-pitched squeal. Sadly, this is not an unusual sound these days.)

A few months ago I wrote to a friend of mine whose child is, I don't know, maybe six months older than Little P. I asked her what she was doing for discipline...you know, how do you discipline a child who doesn't communicate in English sentences? Or even phrases? She wrote back that her little cherub hadn't really needed discipline yet.

Ahem. Really? (OK, I am exaggerating a little bit for the sake of humor. Please, A.M. still love me and do not take offense. I am trying to be funny.) Really, the child never looks straight into your eyes and then kicks you while you're changing his diaper? Really, he never scoots his butt off your hip and then deadweights himself in order to drop out of your arms when he wants the item you removed him from? Really, the child never does anything contrary to what you are teaching him, contrary to what is good and polite? Really, the child never needs correction?

Side Note: Discipline is often mistakenly perceived in today's culture as punishment. That is not a correct definition. Discipline is actually training or teaching - and in effective teaching there are consequences to actions. Some actions lead to unhappy consequences, corrections, (time out, spanking, inability to have dessert or a favorite toy, whatever) and others lead to good outcomes (freedom to participate in what everyone else is doing, increased privilege or responsibility, happy friendships, stickers on the chart, and so on).

Because, yes, Little P knows that piercing shrieks are irritating and that deadweighting would be an effective escape maneuver (if Mama's arms were not made of steel from lifting his 22 pounds in and out of a carseat daily). He also occasionally throws himself on the floor with a wail because I wouldn't let him eat the powercord or play with glass objects.

So, while Little P is as charming and sweet as ever in public, at home we have battles over boundaries. (I believe in my heart that doing battle over appropriate boundaries is a factor in creating a child who is sweet in public.) And wooooo, boy, when he decides to throw down, does he ever THROW DOWN.

Thus my thoughts that he might be described as strong-willed. These strong-willed children are scary because they require significantly more stamina to parent. They are more dramatic about getting their way, more willing to keep up the fight, and more challenging to the parental commitment to consistency in discipline. It is hard to be consistent when the child is so persistent. Right? Some of you know what I'm talking about.

I could be wrong. I am a first-time parent and do not have the wisdom of someone who has witnessed three different personalities going through the toddler stage. Only time will tell. But I can say that while Little P does not challenge me all that often (he is generally really laid-back, obedient, and easy-going...he is sweet and interested in the world and he laughs easily - my heart melts just thinking about all his wonderful characteristics), when he does, he challenges the core of my being. OK, sometimes it's that bad, but actually I'm learning some tools that are really helpful in these scenarios.

So, assuming that Little P is the kind of child wholly committed to doing battle when he determines a situation worth it, and assuming that I am a mother equally committed to doing battle in order to raise a boy who is kind, considerate, loving of God and others, and with the inner strength to live according to his values, etc, etc, how shall I cope with this challenge?

First off, I think raising a strong-willed child is GREAT. It's just going to require that I become a real warrior on my boy's behalf. See...so many people drift through life. They don't know where they want to go, or they do, but they don't have the huevos to get there. And then they feel bad about not following their dreams, and that leads to more stagnancy and so on. A never-ending cycle. There are many reasons for folks getting stuck like this, but my hunch is that a strong-willed person is less likely to land in this place. My boy who is willing to fight for a glass object at the age of 13 months, fight with a frenzy for the thing he wants, will likely have the gumption to stand up on behalf of the downtrodden in the world some day. Or have the stamina to train for the Olympics or weather an economic downturn if he has entrenuerial tendencies. Whatever his dream is, whatever value he must fight for, he will. If he's not the type to rollover and let it be when he's young, he probably won't when he's old. Or so I hope.

Secondly, raising a strong-willed child is A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY. We've all known a family where the child is a tyrant, a dictator, and a spoiled, immature brat. The parents cower at his demands. Family friends dread their visits and maybe even fall away. Teachers cry tears of frustration. A parent of a strong-willed child better step up to the plate. Better make use of the techniques they know they should be using...even when they're tired and it's easier to give in. A strong-willed child can go out and change the world - what a gift! And yet, it is a gift that requires strenuous effort in training.

The questions become - What boundaries are really necessary? (I don't want to henpeck him and beat him down.) What methods of discipline are appropriate to the person he is? How do I discipline him in a way that teaches him but does not break his spirit?

I have been reading Shepherding a Child's Heart and Love and Logic for the Early Childhood Years. I like both of these books. SCH talks about having biblical objectives for discipline (more than just "being a nice person") and using the two-pronged approach of authentic communication with the child and controlled spanking (as opposed to spanking in an angry or frustrated state of mind and never listening to a child's perspective or reasons for misbehavior). The point is - discipline should aim to train the heart, not simply modify behavior. Behavior stems from the condition of a person's heart, therefore the heart is what is truly at stake.

LnL provides methods for developing appropriate independence in your child and for helping the child see that they alone are responsible for the consequences of their actions. Their choice caused them to lose the toy, sit in time-out, or rush to school in their pajamas - not mean old mama. The methods lead a greater sense of responsibility in the child as well as to easier parenting for the adults due to fewer battles arising.

I will probably be publishing further thoughts on these two books. I highly recommend Love and Logic to new parents. If you are a Christian parent or a parent interested in learning about appropriate and effective use of spanking, or of having well-defined objectives for discipline, go get Shepherding.

For now, I hope Little P is strong-willed, and I hope that I am woman enough to match him.

Toilet Time

What? you ask. The wrapping paper shreds from Little P's first birthday have just barely been cleared from distant corners of the house and already we're potty training?

Yes. And no.

One of my mama friends is starting the process of potty training her two-year-old boy. The book she's reading suggests that you actually start long before the age of independence and stubborn "no's" to even the most reasonable of requests. You can make the toilet a regular and non-threatening neutral ground prior to the battle lines drawn by a willful mind.

Supposedly.

Actually, it makes a lot of sense to me, so I went out and bought a $10 Safety 1st brand toilet. No Elmo, no bells and whistles and dingalings. About twice a day, Little P gets to sit on it between diapers changes or before the bath. He has yet to actually pee in it (even with the bathwater running!), but that's really beside the point. For now our objective is purely to make the toilet a safe and comfortable part of the routine.

I am not anticipating training him so much sooner than anyone else (though wouldn't that be nice!). We've just started this experiment and will see how it turns out.

And lastly, when Little P sits bare-bottomed on his toilet, so does Mama. Modeling is such a powerful teaching tool. You can see that we even pick up our books together for a paragraph or two.

Quick Meal Secret

There are meals, most of them actually, when Mama does not feel like spending much time on food. If you're a mama like me, I'd like to share a shortcut with you.

I buy this bag of frozen mixed veggies at Costco.

When Little P is hungry, I scoop (using that cute coffee cup) some veggies out and return the bag to the freezer. I stick the mug in the microwave for one minute on high.

The veggies don't heat at the same rate, so some become hot while others are still nearly frozen. That's OK. I stir them up, let them sit a minute, then dump them on Little P's tray.

Voila! One healthy, happy eater!

Oh, yeah. That white stuff? Cottage cheese.

My Mini Hipster and Friends

Mama has been duly informed that her rant on dressing babies like teenagers was ridiculous. Indeed, now that Little P is looking much more like a boy than a baby, I am a little more open to hipness.

As you can see, Little P is sporting a stylishly worn knit hat from Naartjie (which has girl clothes to die for, if you're the type who dies for fashion). He also has on a flannel shirt that brings out the color of his eyes. Wise choice. I'm not sure what the brand is, probably Circo, maybe OshKosh if I'm lucky, but I found it at AmVets. This little ensemble made uber-stylish girlfriend Karen think that I was actually dressing Little P with some taste. Too bad for her, she did not see the rest of the outfit:

Notice the hopelessly mismatched DINOSAUR PAJAMA LEGGINGS?! Mama needs help.

So, when I found out there was a blog entitled MiniHipster, I thought I'd check it out. You know, Mama's got her own style that includes dramatic headgear, but that's not going to help Little P any when he gets to middle school.

The site made me think about how Little P has all kinds of stylish influences all around him in the form of...cousins.
We'll start with Alexa. Although Little P is not a girl and will therefore not be wearing pink butterflies any time soon, he can take away the concept of matching the color of his sunglasses to his ensemble. That, Alexa, was a very good move.

And then there's cousin JJ, following in his sister's footsteps with some fine personal design. This guy uses product in his hair. I'm afraid to say that the only product Little P puts is his hair is mashed bananas.

Judah goes for the understated approach to hair. He's pretty simple. Minimalist. In fact, sometimes he feels this way about his clothes:
Jude's too stylish for his shirt.
Amel just may be the most hipster of them all. He has perfected the bed head look without using product. That's quite a skill. Let's look at the back:
Now that is something Little P can only aspire to. For the time being, he needs to works on growing some hair.
I'm just throwing this last shot in because I love this little series on Amel's hair, but I don't really have any snarky fashion comments to make about this shot.

Little P has some fantastic influences on his personal style right here at home. We may still check out MiniHipster now and then for inspiration.

Germs and Worms are Good!

Check out this article from the New York Times. I will no longer feel bad about forgetting to wash Little P's hands after he's been crawling around all day. (Seriously...I don't even think about it when I plop him in the high chair. This would, on some rare occasions, make me feel guilty.) This also explains why having a hairy pet such as a dog or cat reduces a child's chances of developing allergies.

Now, how can we get more parents to believe that we don't have to sanitize everything?

Open Adoption and NPR

In light of this previous post and my quest to find more experienced open-adoption parents (both adoptive and birth), I ran across this series on NPR. Not all of it is relevant to our journey, but I find it all interesting. And this batch of NPR stories was particularly helpful. If you have an interest in adoption, take a look!

Why Quality Baby Skincare Products are Important

I was researching a line of children's skincare products, TruKid, and found this info on their web site. Have a look:

In our search to make a safe and great product for your kids, we discovered some alarming facts along the way. Thus, our goals have expanded; TruKid™ wants to spread the word on the dangers of ingredients found in skincare and cosmetic products.

The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics Organization states, "Ingredients in any kind of product - from sunscreen and mascara to deodorant and baby shampoo - are sold to consumers with little to no restrictions and little to no requirement for safety testing." Essentially safety testing is performed only according to the honor system.

The European Union has banned over 1,100 chemicals from cosmetics sold in Europe. The United States has banned 9 and allows all 1,100+ chemicals banned by the E.U. to be used in our personal care products.

There are approximately 10,500 ingredients used in personal care products only, and 11% of those chemicals have been tested for health and safety. Don't feel safe yet.

When ingredients are tested for health and safety in the U.S they are only tested for immediate or short term afflictions such as rashes or swelling. They are not tested for long-term effects such as cancer, birth defects or learning disabilities, just to name a few.

Younger children absorb chemicals through the skin at a larger surface-to-volume ratio when compared with older children and adults. This means that for the same amount of skin covered with a chemical, the younger child may receive up to three times the dose received by an adult.

Thank you to cosmeticdatabase.com and Princeton's publication; "The Future of Children"

Safe Mamas (and their friends) Unite!

So Cousin Sarah (who is the nearest thing to a Supermom that I can find) told me about Safe Mama, a web site that explains things like what BPA is and why it's a problem in baby bottles and posts updates on product recalls, etcetera, etcetera.

Actually, the official subhead is: One-Stop Child Safety, Product Recall, Health and Well-Being Resource for Parents. Cool, huh?

I also added a Safe Mama widget that links to recent posts - check out the bottom of the sidebar on the right.