Aw, Poop!

WARNING: If you are not a parent or a medical professional, it is highly recommended you avoid reading the following post until you have, at the very least, spent three months raising a child.

It started out kinda funny. Little P took his first errant poop (post potty training) out in the garden - little bum hanging off the edge of a raised garden bed. It grossed Mama out, and some words were said about the appropriate place for poop. But Mama did not overreact. Mama was hoping that, if this was an attention-getting device, the lack of drama would kill any future overtures.

But no.

The next two adventuresome poops also occurred in the garden...and Papa dealt with the matter in his own way. Then came a series of poops in the overnight diaper some time after 7:00 in the morning. And finally...

Little P pooped in the plastic toy bin in his bedroom.

Really.

See, sometimes, when he is out-of-control or too wild or fake crying or screaming, or refusing to wear underwear, Little P is asked to spend some time in his room calming down or playing by himself until he is ready to sweetly (wearing underwear) rejoin other folks in the house. And sometimes he finds ways to show his displeasure. Prior to these recent pooping incidents, he would tear books. But that's another post.

Papa assisted in the clean-up of the bin while Mama fumed in another part of the house. And two days later...

Little P pooped in the plastic bug bucket in his room - the one that has a lid that is completely a magnifying glass. Does anyone want to know what poop looks like magnified 50 times?  I thought not.

So the whole thing went down like this:

Mama is sitting in the baby room, rocking and feeding Sadie. Little P was sent to his room for a little "calm down" time.


Suddenly he appears in the doorway with a small African drum hanging around his neck and no pants or underwear on.

LP: I need you.

Mama: I will be happy to talk to you when you are wearing underwear.

LP: There's poo-poo in my room.

Mama detaches the bottle from Sadie's lips, places her in her crib, and heads towards Benjamin's room. Fast.

LP: Wait!  No!  Don't go in my bedroom!  No, no, no, no no!

He races to his closed bedroom door and tries to block it. Mama swoops past him and into the room.


It smells like sh**.


Mama scans the room and spots it - magnified 50x in the clear plastic bug bucket. We will not even go into all the things that ran through Mama's head. Through all the things she wanted to say but did not, in an effort to be a self-controlled, effective parent. 


Instead, she grabs the bucket and marches into the bathroom.

Mama: Come in the bathroom, please.


LP enters, sucking on his fingers and looking worried. Mama sets the bucket on the floor next to the toilet and opens the lid. The poop is no longer magnified, but the smell is greater than ever. Mama swallows a gag.

Mama: Here's the deal. Whenever you poop in something other than the toilet, you have to clean it up.

Mama covers the poop with tissue so as to make it easier to pick up.

LP:  No, Mama!  No!  Waaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa. (Fierce sucking on the fingers, snot running, wet face.)

Mama: Yes. It is your responsibility to take care of your messes. If you choose to poop somewhere besides the toilet, you are responsbile for cleaning it up.

LP: I can't!  You do it!  Waaaa-aaaaaaaaa.

**NOTE: Papa arrives home for lunch. He never knows what he is going to walk in on. He watches from the stairway, holding back laughter.

Mama: I am happy to wait here until you are ready.  (Mama gets comfortable sitting on the edge of the bathtub.)

Some time passes, much snot is rubbed across Little P's face by the back of his hand. Minutes go by as he stares at the bucket with dread.

Mama: Do you need help picking it up?

LP: Yeah.

Mama reaches for his hand and puts both of their hands on the toilet papered poo. Little P panics. He thought that he could get Mama to do it for him. He whimpers and tries to tug his hand away. Mama is stronger.


With one of Mama's hands, and one of Little P's hands, the poop is lifted into the toilet. Both Mama and Little P end up with poop on their fingers.


LP starts yelling about the poop. He is distressed by seeing it on his fingers.

Mama: OK, now it's time to wash our hands.

Hands are scrubbed, a small bottom is wiped, the toilet is flushed, but the yucky bucket remains. Little P takes it down to the utility sink where he puts dish soap in it and fills it with water to soak.

LP: (after the ordeal is over, cheerfully says...) I'm sorry for pooping in my room, Mama.

Mama:  I forgive you. That's no fun, is it.

Little P:  No way!

Let us hope the problem is solved.

Uh, That's Mama to You

Little P decided he was done with his sandwich. Without informing Mama, he started playing around in the family room. As he has been eating a peanut butter and honey sandwich with oranges on the side, you can imagine this was a problem.

Mama:  Are you finished eating?

LP: (no answer)

Mama: Benjamin, please come wash your hands before you play.

LP dawdles, dragging sticky fingers across the couch.

Mama: Benjamin, come to the sink right now. If you choose to stay in the living room, there will be a consequence.

LP comes running into the kitchen.

LP:  Do not talk to me that way, Jessica. You are not respecting me.

Mama tries not to laugh. She puts on her serious face.

Mama: First of all, I am Mama. You call me Mama.

LP:  Oh.

Mama:  Second of all, I am talking to you like this because you are being disrespectful to me by not answering me.

LP: Oh.

Mama:  Now climb up here and let's wash your hands.

LP: OK.

Climbs onto stool and washes hands.

Mama: Thank you. You can go play now.

LP: (smiling) Thank you for respecting me, Mama!

He adjusts, and I become a better mother, PART II

On Tuesday, we went to story time at the Starbucks in our neighborhood. One of the employees is a mama of two pre-schoolers and she comes to read stories and the kids get complimentary mini-hot chocolates in their sampler cups. The mamas chat, and the kids run around after the stories are finished.

On this particular Tuesday, Benjamin was totally testing boundaries.  I was talking to a mama while holding Sadie, he was playing with her daughter. They kept running off to places where we couldn't see them.  We corralled them until we all needed to leave.

Mama Monica's daughter responded with a sassy refusal to get off the rock she was climbing. I tried to help by telling Benjamin we were leaving, too, and asking him if he wanted to go in one minute or two.  He said two, so we waited and tried again.  This time, after some more defiance from the daughter, Mama Monica managed to get her daughter off the rock and ready to go.  Benjamin was watching this all quite intently. He would not look at me as I was talking, only watched this slightly older girl to see how SHE handled her mama.

So when I had to lay down the law (he was NOT coming down, but instead scurrying away from me - one side of the rock to the other...and I could not do much because I was holding Sadie), he broke into this loud shrieking thing that he does. He does this at home - sounding much like a school's fire alarm - but he has not pulled this in public before. Awesome.

He shrieked repetitively and scooted away any time I got close to him. I was helpless.  Mama Monica saw this and came over to help - she asked him to jump into her arms.  He did, and it was fun. Once on the ground again, though, he was running off. She held his hand and offered to walk us to our car. Gratefully, I said yes, gathered the diaper bag, my girl, and what was left of my coffee.

At the car, he fought getting into his car seat. I did not threaten - after all, what threat could I make that wasn't empty? But I was fuming inside. We do story time for him and he gets all kinds of freedom and fun time with kids after, and then he is a turd in order to impress an older girl. Oh, lordy. Foreshadowing the teen years, no? All I said was that there would be consequences for this disrespect and disobedience when we got home.

I did not know what to do. I prayed the whole way home that my anger would not dictate my approach to this. I know that further attention could only exacerbate the behavior, that anger would only alienate him further,  but that it was also inexcusable and needed to be addressed. 

How does God teach me? I wondered.

Gently, and with grace.

The aim is teaching, not punishing.

So. We arrived home, I put Sadie to bed, and he waited silently for me in the big chair.  I grabbed The Jesus Storybook Bible and found the story of Jonah. I prepped him for the story - saying how God asked Jonah to do something and he disobeyed. He was disrespectful and he ran away. But God loved him. God gave him a consequence because he loved him. And Jonah responded - he felt bad about his behavior, he apologized to God, and then he went and did what God had asked.

We then read the story and compared it to Benjamin's behavior. We did all this while sitting together in the big chair. I spoke kindly to him and he said a lot of sing-songy "ohs". It seemed he was really learning from this.

I could think of no appropriate consequence, and I really needed a break from him, so his consequence was going to bed early for his nap. He did not squawk, but went in and lay down.

I felt like I won that day.  I won self-control over my own anger which would have only been destructive if unleashed on him at that moment. I won over fatigue that would have lead me to simply lock him in his room so I wouldn't have to deal with him. I won over apathy that would have kept me from teaching, leading me the the quick-fix of punishment (which probably would have no lasting effect anyway).

I have no idea if Benjamin learned anything from that - the following day he was naughty for his MOPS teachers - but I learned something. I learned that parenting like Christ requires humility and creativity and thinking not of my own indignation, but of my son's need to learn and learn again of God's grace and holiness; and he will only learn if I take the time to engage during those teachable moments.

He adjusts, and I become a better mother, PART I

Benjamin is clearly in a state of adjusting to his new baby sister. The beautiful part of it all is that he likes to help feed her, he cuddles her, he touches her gently with his pudgy little (grubby) fingers, and he is eager to talk about his new "little sister named Sadie. She's cute."

But the other truth is that he has found it hard to patiently wait for my attention when I am feeding her, or to calm his ever-active boy body down when hanging out in her room. He is quite sensitive to noise (despite being able to make an awful lot of it himself), and covers his ear when she cries in the car. While he is capable of sweetness and compassion, I feel for his three-year-old self trying to be mature when he is just a little boy with needs of his own.

Since Sadie arrived, Benjamin has been far more emotional than usual.  To some degree, I don't know how much of the physicalness (needing to hit things and jump and stomp and run around and be so very, very loud) and emotional over-reactions are part of becoming three and entering another phase of development, or if it is more related to his adjustment to her. I do know that it is requiring a whole new level of parenting from me.

On Wednesday, while picking him up from the childcare at MOPS, I got the report that he was throwing things and running in the classroom. He was not respecting the teacher and he earned himself a time-out. This is normal behavior around our house, mind you, but completely out of character for how he acts around other adults. We are used to hearing how much his teachers love him, and how polite he is, and how he shares so nicely when other kids are grabbing toys out of each others' hands.  I guess this week's news was bound to happen at some point - I've just been lucky up til now.

I wasn't sure how to handle this, but here's what I've done. We talked about it immediately so he wouldn't forget.

Mama: I heard you got a time-out today.

LP: Yes.

Mama: What were you doing to get a time-out?

LP: What were you doing?

Mama: Did you throw things?

LP: Yes.

Mama: Were you running when the teacher asked you to stop?

LP: Yes.

Mama: Uh-huh. So were you respecting the teacher?

LP:  No.

Mama:  It's sad when little boys do not respect their teachers. It makes it hard to go do fun adventures like MOPS. We will talk about this more later.

I did not add my own punishment to the one he already received. And I did not give him excessive attention for his bad behavior - I do not want to encourage it inadvertently. But I do believe he needs to face the person he maligned and acknowledge his wrong-doing.

So I think what I am going to do is have him apologize to the teacher the next time we go to MOPS. And we will talk together, in front of the teacher, about the class expectations. Maybe I will even offer to have them come get me next time he needs a time-out so that I can immediately deal with it the way I would...just in case their version of a time-out is not effective. We'll see.

Now, for PART II.

Things to Do - Montessori Style

OK, these things aren't limited to Montessori education; I just discovered them as I was researching Montessori education. These are excerpts from a list of 101 things you can do for/with your children.  

Here are some of my favorites:

3. Take the time to stand back and observe your child carefully and note the characteristics he/she is displaying.

5. Make sure your child gets sufficient sleep.

7. Teach grace and courtesy in the home. Model it. Use courtesy with your child and help your child to demonstrate it.

11. Read together daily.

13. Allow sufficient time for your child to dress himself/herself.

14. Allow your child to collaborate with food preparation.

15. If possible allow your child a plot of land or at least a flower pot in which to experience growing things.

16. Take walks together at the child's pace, pausing to notice things and talk about them.

18. Eliminate or strictly limit TV watching and replace with activity oriented things which involve the child rather than his/her being a passive observer. When the child does watch TV, watch it with him/her and discuss what is being seen.

19. From the earliest age give your child the responsibility to pick up after himself/herself, i.e., return toys to place, put dirty clothes in laundry basket, clear dishes to appropriate place, clean off sink after use, etc. This necessitates preparing the environment so children know where things go.

20. Hug regularly but don't impose affection. Recognize the difference.

21. Assign regular household tasks that need to be done to maintain the household to your child as age appropriate. (Perhaps setting silverware and napkins on the table, sorting, recycling. dusting, watering plants, etc.)

24. Talk to your child clearly without talking down. Communicate with respect and give the child the gift of language, new words and expressions.

25. When talking to your child, physically get on his/her level, be still, and make eye contact.

26. Sing! Voice quality does not matter. Sing together regularly. Build a repertoire of family favorites.

27. Refrain from over-structuring your child's time with formal classes and activities. Leave time to "just be," to play, explore, create.

30. Count. Utilize natural opportunities that arise.

31. Tell and re-tell family based stories. For example, "On the day you were born..."

32. Look at family pictures together. Help your child be aware of his/her extended family, names, and relationships.

34. Assist your child to be aware of his/her feelings, to have vocabulary for emotions and be able to express them.

35. Play games together. Through much repetition children learn to take turns, to win and lose.

36. Together, do things to help others. For example, take food to an invalid neighbor, contribute blankets to a homeless shelter, give toys to those who have none, etc.

37. Speak the language of the virtues. Talk about patience, cooperativeness, courage, ingenuity, cheerfulness, helpfulness, kindness, etc. and point out those virtues when you see them demonstrated.

38. Refrain from giving your child too much "stuff." If there is already too much, give some away or store and rotate.

39. Memorize poetry and teach it to your child and recite it together.

40. Put up a bird feeder. Let your child have responsibility for filling it. Together learn to be good watchers and learn about the birds you see.

41. Whenever you go somewhere with your child, prepare him/her for what is going to happen and what will be expected of him/her at the store, restaurant, doctor's office, etc.

42. Express appreciation to your child and others and help your child to do the same. Send thank you notes for gifts. Young children can dictate or send a picture. Older children can write their own. What is key is learning the importance of expressing appreciation.

43. Help your child to learn to like healthful foods. Make trying new things fun. Talk about foods and how they look or describe the taste. Introduce the word "savor" and teach how to do it.

44. When food shopping, talk to your child about what you see -- from kumquats to lobsters. Talk about where food items come from. Talk about the people who help us by growing, picking, transporting, and displaying food.

46. While driving, point things out and discuss -- construction work, interesting buildings, vehicles, bridges, animals.

47. Teach the language of courtesy. Don't let your child interrupt. Teach how to wait after saying, "Excuse me, please."

48. Analyze any annoying behavior of your child and teach from the positive. For example: door slamming -- teach how to close a door; running in the house -- teach how to walk; runny nose -- teach how to use a tissue.

49. Spend quality time with people of different ages.

51. Help your child to have positive connections with people of diverse ethnicity, language, and beliefs.

52. Laugh a lot. Play with words. Tell jokes. Help your child to develop a sense of humor.

55. Have a globe or atlas in the house, and whenever names of places come up locate them with the child.

56. Make sure your child has the tools he/she needs -- child size broom, mop, dust pan, whisk broom, duster, etc., to help maintain the cleanliness of the household.

57. Learn to say, "No," without anger, and with firmness and conviction. Not everything children want is appropriate.

59. Refrain from laughing at your child.

60. Alert children to upcoming events so they can mentally prepare, e.g., "In ten minutes, it will be time for bed."

63. Refrain from replacing everything that gets broken. Help children to learn the value of money, and, the consequences of actions.

64. Take a nighttime walk -- listen to sounds, observe the moon, smell the air.

68. Expose your child to all sorts of music.

69. Talk about art, visit statue gardens, and make short visits to museums and look at a couple of pictures. Make it meaningful and enjoyable.

73. Aid the child in absorbing a sense of beauty: expose him/her to flowers, woods, and natural materials, and avoid plastic.

74. Help your child start a collection of something interesting.

75. Talk about the colors (don't forget shades), textures, and shapes you see around you.

78. Refrain from doing for a child what he/she can do for himself/herself.

79. Provide opportunities for physical activity -- running, hopping, skipping, climbing. Teach them how. Go to a playground if necessary.

80. Teach children how to be still and make "silence." Do it together. Children love to be in a meditative space if given the opportunity.

84. Provide a place to just dig. Allow your child to get totally dirty sometimes without inhibitions.

85. Refrain from offering material rewards or even excessive praise. Let the experience of accomplishment be its own reward.

86. Don't speak for your child to others. Give the space for the child to speak for himself/herself, and if he/she doesn't it's okay.

87. Apologize to your child when you've made a mistake.

89. Learn to wait. Some things people want to give their children or do with them are more appropriate at a later age. Be patient, the optimal time will come. Stay focused on where they are right now.

91. Tell them what you value in them. Let them hear you express what you value in others.

92. Always tell the truth.

94. Ride the bus; take a train -- at least once.

99. Talk about right, left, straight, turn, north, south, east, west, in a natural way so your child develops a sense of direction and the means to talk about it.

Chores

I am a mama who believes in the value of chores. Anyone who has been around teenagers lately will agree that something has to be done to weed out the natural inclination toward a sense of entitlement. Chores are one of the ways parents can bring some intentionality to child-rearing and instill a sense of community and responsibility in a child.

So how does Little P help out around the house?



He puts away silverware, of course!



The wonderful thing about this is that he thinks it's fun to sort. He also gets to practice skills like paying attention to the similarities and differences of what he's sorting. Once he became frustrated as he attempted to stuff a big spoon in a little spoon's place. We talked about size and compared it to the other spoons. Little P figured out that it was actually a big spoon, and he did it mostly on his own!



He also assists with watering the potted plants outside. He tries to sweep with the hand-held broom when I use the big broom, and he has a child-sized pretend vacuum which he uses when I vacuum.

We also work on him cleaning up his own messes (in his room, at the dinner table, any accidents or spills) as much as possible.

Mamas...what do you expect of your toddlers? I'm curious about other ways you have incorporated your little people into care for the household!

Nap Time, Again

So it appears that whatever a mama tries works intermittently. Sometimes the spanking works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes all the putting back into bed works, mostly it doesn't.

Yesterday I made the mistake of leaving the house after Little P was supposedly calm and in bed. Diana was in charge.

I returned two hours later to this:

Little P was dancing around his room, singing as best as he could with an open tube of Burt's Bees diaper rash paste in his mouth. As I entered the room, he cheerfully shouted out, "Hi, Mama!

Diaper paste was everywhere. All over his face, his hands, his shirt, his pants. On the walls. On the dresser, and the bed, and the chair, and the easel, and the table.

One beautiful pop-up book was on the floor, the pop-up parts shredded.

There was a fresh bite mark in his new table.

Toys were everywhere.

Parts of his "art" that had been on the wall were shredded and on the floor.

If it were someone else's kid, I would be laughing. Actually, I did find it funny until I saw the bitten table and then I was mad. And sad. I cannot leave him alone while he's awake, and this is very tough for a mama.

So, today we took a different approach. Little P will now be taking naps in his playpen. In fact, that's where he is right now.

If I was a Tweeter...

this is what I would be saying right now:

Started nap time two hours ago, and we're still trying to get around to sleeping. From the sounds coming out of Little P's bedroom, it would appear that I am torturing him. I pray the neighbors do not call CPS. In reality, all I am doing is reentering his room every few minutes to lay him back down into bed. No shouting. Few words. Not even a spanking. Just placing him back in bed.

There is no battle like a battle of will.

Transitioning to a Big Boy Bed

In response to a question from VCW and at the risk of offending all the people who disapprove of spanking as an approach to discipline, I hereby tentatively share my concrete approach (and all its mishaps) to helping Little P learn how to transition to a "big boy" bed.

We had little trouble getting Benjamin to stay in his new bed at night. I don't even remember what the first night was like, if he got out of bed or anything. He is so tired in the evenings that he dives into bed and happily closes his eyes (after pitching everything over the side...he doesn't like animals or pillows, and he begrudgingly tolerates a blanket).

Naps, on the other hand, are a totally different story.

Benjamin is currently on a one (majorly needed) nap a day for close to three hours. He truly needs a minimum of two hours - anything shorter and we are mi-ser-a-ble an hour later. He was going down around 11:00, though on many days lately he's not quite ready until 12:00.

So. The techniques.

When Benjamin is all riled up and ornery, going down for a nap is cause for much drama. His first attempts at napping in a bed that did not contain him were like eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He thought he had freedom to do as he pleased simply because the physical barrier had been removed. Goodness gracious.

I started by approaching getting out of bed as defiance. (Defiance is the only reason for which I spank him.) For example, I put him to bed with the usual routine and then left the room. When I walked past the door and saw the light switching on and off rapidly, I went in, reexplained the expectation, and put him to bed.

Upon the second offense, he got one swift, hard smack on the bum (setting off the tears) and put him into bed with a kiss, an "I love you", and an admonition to stay in bed.

The first one or two times this worked. But then the swagger of the freedom to get out of bed built up. One afternoon I spanked him in six consecutive occasions over the course of an hour. He was not relenting, and he was not falling asleep, and we were not getting anywhere. I was frustrated and tired. So was he. In fact, he was by that time overtired, and that is a realm that no parent wants to enter.

I can't recall if it was that same day or the next, but at some point early on I recalled a technique I had seen on the Supernanny show. She coached parents to do this when they started enforcing a bedtime for the first time (I am always amazed by parents who do not think bedtime is important) and the children would keep coming out of their rooms or crawling into their parents beds. The trick is this: do the bedtime routine with the child. Spend the time to lovingly, calmly get them into bed. Remind them to stay there if need be. Then turn off the lights and sit somewhere in the room with your back to them until they fall asleep.

Sounds easy, no? The truth is, for a kid who is determined to do his own thing, that poor parent has to follow Supernanny's other instructions...every time the child gets out of bed, the parent says nothing, but physically places the child back into bed. On the show, sometimes parents do this 115 times over a two-and-a-half-hour period. The kid screams, rants, kicks, and throws himself around. Mom silently reinforces the expectation with no show of emotion and no verbal engagement in haggling, explaining, promising, bribing, or begging.

I do remember it was a Sunday after church. I was tired. I really wanted to go take a nap myself. The Papa was lying in bed reading a magazine, and Little P was wildly not succumbing to sleep. The spankings were not working. I needed a new approach. I knew it was time to buckle down for however long was required to do the technique right. I launched into it.

Little P fought with the force of a strong-willed toddler. He got out of bed. I put him back silently. He kicked and screamed. He got out of bed. I put him back. This occurred about three dozen times. In between getting out of bed, he kicked his legs on his bed (thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump!), bit the railings, threw himself against the railings, threw his blanket out of the bed, and wailed. He also tried other methods:

"Mama? I love you. Mama? I love you. I love you, Mama."

"Whatchoo doin'? Mama, whatchoo doin'?"

"Are you happy, Mama? I happy."

"I gonna play cars, Mama. OK? I gonna play cars." [He got out of bed and tried to walk to the car bin.]

"Peekaboo, Mama." I looked back because it sounded like he sat up and found him peering through the bars on the guard rail. "Peekaboo, Mama. I see you. Mama? Look at me."

He put his feet on the railing and moved them along the slats. "I climbing the ladder. I climbing the ladder. Mama? I climbing the ladder."

I did not respond to any conversation starters. I also ignored all noise and behavior EXCEPT the two things I cared about - sitting up in bed and getting out of bed. He could rage, sing or talk as long as he was horizontal. Then came this...

"OK. I goin' sit up now. OK, Mama? I goin' sit up....[rustling around is heard]. I sitting up, Mama."

Oh, he is too, too funny, this child.

This first attempt took an hour and twenty minutes, but he finally fell asleep.

I closed the door and walked out a new Mama. I had won that battle, and it was a foundational one. I had stuck it out to the bitter end. My will outlasted his. I was fair, not cruel. I was the authority. He would gain a new respect for nap time.

Sort of.

It actually took a few more of such standoffs to make the point, but none lasted as long as that first one. I occasionally still have to sit there for a half hour, but now he just yammers and kicks his legs. He will not get out of bed or even sit up if I am there.

And even the spanking, when needed, is more effective. Here's my one other method:

Yesterday I was going to go visit a friend. The Papa was sick in bed, and Little P was not performing on schedule. I sat in his room for fifteen minutes and was worried about being late to meet my friend. He was lying there talking to himself, and his punchy mood told me he posed a flight risk. I couldn't have him messing around with no one to follow up on him, and I didn't want The Papa inconvenienced (given his physical state), so I left the room and stood right outside the door. Almost immediately I heard little feet running around and something clunked off the shelf.

I swung open the door, swooped him up over my knee, gave a single, hard spank, and put him into bed. (My spanking method is to only give one swat, but it is hard enough to hurt. It is my opinion that this is more powerful than 4-5 wimpy hits. Also, a child who is spanked should experience consistency. He should know how many hits he's going to get so that there's no fear of if it's going to be two or ten. The number of hits should never depend on the parent's mood or level of frustration. This is confusing and harmful to the child and/or the relationship. Likewise, if the spank is going to matter to the child, it needs to smart.)

I did the usual kiss and "I love you," and goodnight, and left the room. I waited until he quit crying and talking to himself and then reentered the room. He was still in bed. I praised him for it explicitly. "Wow! You're doing such a good job staying in bed! What a big boy! I'm proud of you!" I got ready to go and just before leaving I popped my head in again. He was still awake, but his eyes were drooping. He was still lying in bed, so I said all the praise again.

(It's important to be explicit when praising children. They are not just being a "good boy or girl", they are doing a good job on _______. Or they are being obedient/kind/helpful/safe by following Mama's instructions/sharing the truck/cleaning off the table/holding Mama's hand while walking through the parking lot. This is how they learn exactly what is pleasing and exactly what is not appropriate.)

I left to visit my friend, confident that he was really going to stay in bed until he fell asleep.

So, those are the two ways I handle the getting-out-of-bed problem. I think that which one is effective depends on where your child is in the process. Supernanny's approach is really good for establishing the expectation and helping the kid understand you are serious and committed to the routine. The spanking works better after the expectation is clear and the child needs a little dose of external motivation in order to pull off the self-control part.

Does anyone else have suggestions?