Well, folks, the P-Pod is nearly all packed. Five of our dear friends showed up today to help pack, load, and clean and it's simply amazing how much got accomplished! Our fridge and washer and dryer all go in the truck Wednesday afternoon, but we aren't driving out until Friday morning. I'm still trying to figure out how we're going to eat...maybe a lot of egg sandwiches from the coffee shop around the corner.
Anyway, the biggest thing as far as the blog is concerned is my loss of internet access. This is the last blog entry you will see from me until Tuesday or Wednesday next week. (We're turning in our router or whatever it is tomorrow...sigh).
Cheerio! The next time you hear from us, we'll be in America's Finest (bankrupt) City!
June 24, 2008
June 21, 2008
How Do We "Do" Open?
On Saturday, we drove to Rochester for a picnic with Emma, Kevin, and several members of their families. We all wanted one more opportunity to hang out before the P-Pod relocates to the surf n' turf of SoCal. Surrounded by lovely woods on Lake Ontario, Jim manned the grill, the cousins played ball, and I got some interesting stories from Karen and Betty about Emma and Kevin as children. (I'm looking forward to watching Little P's personality develop and seeing which traits show up in the nature part of who he is.) We all survived the chilly weather, in some cases with a borrowed jacket or serape.
All of this visiting and getting-to-know-you stuff got me thinking about openness in adoption, and the fine balance between those on the adoptive side and those on the birth side. Do boundaries need to exist? In what ways? Is it possible to maintain "extended family" type relationships? How can you be "extended family" in a few encounters? How can adoptive parents who already have two extended families make room for two more? What is a restorative perspective? What is just? Can anything be easy?
I tend to be the idealistic sort...the idealistic sort who gets tired when things aren't easy and wants to take a nap instead. Most often, the ideal can only be attained with great effort. And let's face it, I can be self-centered and lazy, especially when emotional stamina is required.
So as we were driving the five hours (we stop a lot) back home, my selfish, lazy little peabrain was contemplating these questions. Because, darn it, we had a really good time. And because, darn it again, the V-family and the I-family are really nice people.
When we first brought Benjamin home, I needed boundaries...emotional ones anyway. I don't have words for how hard adoption is on the outset (for those on both sides). Weighed down with the fatigue of being a new mother, I didn't have it in me to cope with my own emotions surrounding the difficulty of the adoption process and to carry Emma and Kevin's and their families' loss as well. There were days where I had difficulty separating Benjamin from all the emotional baggage that accompanied him. This hindered my ability to bond with him. I had to figure out what was in the way, and pray, pray, pray that God would overcome it and free me from the desire to flee all of the additional "stuff" that came with Benjamin. And he did; my God is good like that.
In those early days, I could point to what would be ideal - a warm and open relationship with Emma, Kevin and their families - but I didn't have the energy to make it happen. I wanted to have my own joy without having to be sensitive to someone else's grief. I did not want to have to explain myself to anyone. I did not want to have to share my first child with strangers for the rest of his or my life. I did not want to feel like I owed somebody something...forever. It was too overwhelming. But I could see that, if a mature relationship could occur, it would be best for Benjamin and healing for his biological family.
I knew, when we signed up for domestic adoption, that a certain level of openness would be required. I believed that would be right and just. But I had no idea what that would look like in practice until it started happening. I had to trust that God would give me strength and wisdom as I went, because none of us could define what "openness" would look like. Before the adoption, when we briefly discussed with Emma and Kevin what they wanted their future relationship with Benjamin to look like, they didn't know. We didn't know what would be expected of us. (The legal document we signed outlined our openness agreement, but we understood that it described the minimum amount of contact, not the desired amount, and that we would need to have flexibility as we proceeded on this journey.)
I don't know what boundaries should exist, if any. I guess that would depend on the families involved. Adopting a child with an extremely open agreement is almost like marrying into a family...only normally you have met your fiancee's family prior to committing to a lifelong relationship. You probably know before the wedding how close you will be with the "new" family. In most cases, this is not available prior to an adoption. In fact, in most adoptions, even open ones, extended family simply aren't part of the equation. It's the adoptive parents and the birthmother. On the occasions that he's still in the picture, the birthfather. So we are charting new territory in open adoptions right now. There are not many sources to go to for perspective.
I do not feel that we have to add boundaries to our relationships with the V and I families. They are warm and welcoming and easy to hang out with. Our relationship is off to a great start. I do think, however, that some natural boundaries exist - boundaries that are simply the product of a finite amount of time.
We are moving to California to be near my family. Brent has family in both Ohio and Florida. We have dear, dear friends residing as far west as Oregon, as far north as Canada, as far east as China, and as far south as Guatemala...or is Zimbabwe further south? And let's not forget the UK, Malawi, and Ethiopia, just because they are fun places to mention. These are people we already adore and do not get to see often enough. By moving west, we hoped to be able to see both our immediate families more often. We should be able to get to Ohio more easily because we will already be living near my folks. We won't have to divvy up vacation time as much.
We also want to travel internationally - this was how we met, living abroad, and this is part of who we are. How do we pull all of this off and still include two more families in our lives? This is a question to which I trust God will reveal an answer. But it does pose a natural boundary - a boundary of time. It's not one we choose, but a fact of our lives. We will have to grapple with this as Benjamin grows.
Despite these heavy questions, I firmly believe it is right that we make an effort. As a Christian, I believe in restoration. Restoration in relationships, healing after hurt, forgiveness, grace. As an adoptive parent I don't have to put the birth family above my family, but I do need to respect and honor their journey, especially if (as in this case) the birthparents seriously considered raising the child themselves. For some birthmoms, adoption is an easy decision; though emotional, the circumstances surrounding the child make it clear to them that adoption is definitely the best choice. Other birthmothers must wrestle with turning their child over to another family - and this wrestling goes on long after the adoption has occurred.
No matter what the circumstances, God is a God of healing. Restoration is Plan A. So, easy or not (don't the best and most meaningful things in life require the most effort?!), my aim should be to help, not hinder, the healing process. At this point, I have no idea what that requires of me. Brent and I are fumbling around, doing our best to be sensitive and accommodating and honest, and hoping that where we fall short, God makes up the difference. Some days this flows from me naturally, and others, I have to tie my selfish, lazy peabrain to a chair and duct tape its mouth so it will shut up.
I have no answers on how to "do" an open adoption of this magnitude. But when I mentioned to Brent that Jim has a one-room cabin on a 60-acre parcel of land where he likes to hunt, he shouted, "That's where Benjamin and I are going to hang out one day!" So it sounds like we're headed in the right direction.
**Readers, if you are in an open adoption, what have you learned? How have you handled openness? How would you answer the questions I've been pondering? Share your thoughts in the comments section.
And now, for photos from the happy day:
The I-family: Karen, Lizza, and Paul
The V-family: Jim, Betty, and cousin Abigail
Emma borrowed professional video equipment to document the event (putting BenTV to shame...)
Gramma Karen feeds Little P
Kevin and Emma (in her handmade sun cape)
Part of our drive home was accompanied by a rainbow of great proportions.
All of this visiting and getting-to-know-you stuff got me thinking about openness in adoption, and the fine balance between those on the adoptive side and those on the birth side. Do boundaries need to exist? In what ways? Is it possible to maintain "extended family" type relationships? How can you be "extended family" in a few encounters? How can adoptive parents who already have two extended families make room for two more? What is a restorative perspective? What is just? Can anything be easy?
I tend to be the idealistic sort...the idealistic sort who gets tired when things aren't easy and wants to take a nap instead. Most often, the ideal can only be attained with great effort. And let's face it, I can be self-centered and lazy, especially when emotional stamina is required.
So as we were driving the five hours (we stop a lot) back home, my selfish, lazy little peabrain was contemplating these questions. Because, darn it, we had a really good time. And because, darn it again, the V-family and the I-family are really nice people.
When we first brought Benjamin home, I needed boundaries...emotional ones anyway. I don't have words for how hard adoption is on the outset (for those on both sides). Weighed down with the fatigue of being a new mother, I didn't have it in me to cope with my own emotions surrounding the difficulty of the adoption process and to carry Emma and Kevin's and their families' loss as well. There were days where I had difficulty separating Benjamin from all the emotional baggage that accompanied him. This hindered my ability to bond with him. I had to figure out what was in the way, and pray, pray, pray that God would overcome it and free me from the desire to flee all of the additional "stuff" that came with Benjamin. And he did; my God is good like that.
In those early days, I could point to what would be ideal - a warm and open relationship with Emma, Kevin and their families - but I didn't have the energy to make it happen. I wanted to have my own joy without having to be sensitive to someone else's grief. I did not want to have to explain myself to anyone. I did not want to have to share my first child with strangers for the rest of his or my life. I did not want to feel like I owed somebody something...forever. It was too overwhelming. But I could see that, if a mature relationship could occur, it would be best for Benjamin and healing for his biological family.
I knew, when we signed up for domestic adoption, that a certain level of openness would be required. I believed that would be right and just. But I had no idea what that would look like in practice until it started happening. I had to trust that God would give me strength and wisdom as I went, because none of us could define what "openness" would look like. Before the adoption, when we briefly discussed with Emma and Kevin what they wanted their future relationship with Benjamin to look like, they didn't know. We didn't know what would be expected of us. (The legal document we signed outlined our openness agreement, but we understood that it described the minimum amount of contact, not the desired amount, and that we would need to have flexibility as we proceeded on this journey.)
I don't know what boundaries should exist, if any. I guess that would depend on the families involved. Adopting a child with an extremely open agreement is almost like marrying into a family...only normally you have met your fiancee's family prior to committing to a lifelong relationship. You probably know before the wedding how close you will be with the "new" family. In most cases, this is not available prior to an adoption. In fact, in most adoptions, even open ones, extended family simply aren't part of the equation. It's the adoptive parents and the birthmother. On the occasions that he's still in the picture, the birthfather. So we are charting new territory in open adoptions right now. There are not many sources to go to for perspective.
I do not feel that we have to add boundaries to our relationships with the V and I families. They are warm and welcoming and easy to hang out with. Our relationship is off to a great start. I do think, however, that some natural boundaries exist - boundaries that are simply the product of a finite amount of time.
We are moving to California to be near my family. Brent has family in both Ohio and Florida. We have dear, dear friends residing as far west as Oregon, as far north as Canada, as far east as China, and as far south as Guatemala...or is Zimbabwe further south? And let's not forget the UK, Malawi, and Ethiopia, just because they are fun places to mention. These are people we already adore and do not get to see often enough. By moving west, we hoped to be able to see both our immediate families more often. We should be able to get to Ohio more easily because we will already be living near my folks. We won't have to divvy up vacation time as much.
We also want to travel internationally - this was how we met, living abroad, and this is part of who we are. How do we pull all of this off and still include two more families in our lives? This is a question to which I trust God will reveal an answer. But it does pose a natural boundary - a boundary of time. It's not one we choose, but a fact of our lives. We will have to grapple with this as Benjamin grows.
Despite these heavy questions, I firmly believe it is right that we make an effort. As a Christian, I believe in restoration. Restoration in relationships, healing after hurt, forgiveness, grace. As an adoptive parent I don't have to put the birth family above my family, but I do need to respect and honor their journey, especially if (as in this case) the birthparents seriously considered raising the child themselves. For some birthmoms, adoption is an easy decision; though emotional, the circumstances surrounding the child make it clear to them that adoption is definitely the best choice. Other birthmothers must wrestle with turning their child over to another family - and this wrestling goes on long after the adoption has occurred.
No matter what the circumstances, God is a God of healing. Restoration is Plan A. So, easy or not (don't the best and most meaningful things in life require the most effort?!), my aim should be to help, not hinder, the healing process. At this point, I have no idea what that requires of me. Brent and I are fumbling around, doing our best to be sensitive and accommodating and honest, and hoping that where we fall short, God makes up the difference. Some days this flows from me naturally, and others, I have to tie my selfish, lazy peabrain to a chair and duct tape its mouth so it will shut up.
I have no answers on how to "do" an open adoption of this magnitude. But when I mentioned to Brent that Jim has a one-room cabin on a 60-acre parcel of land where he likes to hunt, he shouted, "That's where Benjamin and I are going to hang out one day!" So it sounds like we're headed in the right direction.
**Readers, if you are in an open adoption, what have you learned? How have you handled openness? How would you answer the questions I've been pondering? Share your thoughts in the comments section.
And now, for photos from the happy day:
The I-family: Karen, Lizza, and Paul
The V-family: Jim, Betty, and cousin Abigail
Emma borrowed professional video equipment to document the event (putting BenTV to shame...)
Gramma Karen feeds Little P
Kevin and Emma (in her handmade sun cape)
Part of our drive home was accompanied by a rainbow of great proportions.
June 18, 2008
The Quack-Quack Adventure
Since moving to Albany, I have become fascinated with its rich history. Though I have lived in places with yet older remnants of an ancient world (Ethiopia, for example, with its twelfth century monasteries), this is the site of some of the earliest significant moments in America's story.
To fuel (or would it be quench?) my interest, I read William Kennedy's O, Albany! and imagined history playing out in front of me as I explored the city: Legs Diamond's death by shooting a few blocks down from my house on Dove Street; Teddy Roosevelt sitting in front of me in his family pew when we briefly attended the Reformed Church on Pearl Street - the church that boasts the oldest pulpit in America, hand carved in Holland and brought over on a ship for something like 57 beaver pelts; the blue collars of North Albany's Irish working class throwing back beer in the little pubs I would pass on my way to the YMCA.
So today, Little P and I made an adventure out of Albany's Aqua Ducks tour - one of those car/boat things that drive you through the city and then splash down in the Hudson for a short cruise. We walked downtown to the departure point at Quackenbush Square, so named, not because of the duck tour, but because it was the site where Mr. Quackenbush, one of Albany's oldest residents and chief brick maker, lived. His house, constructed of his own bricks, still stands.
Here we are, preparing to board the I. Emma Duck. Yes, corny duck humor abounded. In fact, the guide passed out plastic duck calls which we were invited to use repeatedly throughout the tour.
Little P was excited to begin his journey. (Papa thinks he looks a bit like Grover in this shot.)
A view of the Capitol - the most expensive building in America at the time it was built.
Cruising the Hudson River and admiring the only (still) working swing railroad bridge in the U.S. It detaches in two places and a huge gear pivots the detached part to allow ships to pass. An operator is posted there 24 hours a day.
View of Albany from the Hudson River
After our lovely tour I stopped at Melville's Mug for a double espresso on ice. The coffee shop is so named because Herman Meville lived in the building two doors down during his youth. Melville even described the aforementioned pulpit in a scene in Moby Dick.
To fuel (or would it be quench?) my interest, I read William Kennedy's O, Albany! and imagined history playing out in front of me as I explored the city: Legs Diamond's death by shooting a few blocks down from my house on Dove Street; Teddy Roosevelt sitting in front of me in his family pew when we briefly attended the Reformed Church on Pearl Street - the church that boasts the oldest pulpit in America, hand carved in Holland and brought over on a ship for something like 57 beaver pelts; the blue collars of North Albany's Irish working class throwing back beer in the little pubs I would pass on my way to the YMCA.
So today, Little P and I made an adventure out of Albany's Aqua Ducks tour - one of those car/boat things that drive you through the city and then splash down in the Hudson for a short cruise. We walked downtown to the departure point at Quackenbush Square, so named, not because of the duck tour, but because it was the site where Mr. Quackenbush, one of Albany's oldest residents and chief brick maker, lived. His house, constructed of his own bricks, still stands.
Here we are, preparing to board the I. Emma Duck. Yes, corny duck humor abounded. In fact, the guide passed out plastic duck calls which we were invited to use repeatedly throughout the tour.
Little P was excited to begin his journey. (Papa thinks he looks a bit like Grover in this shot.)
A view of the Capitol - the most expensive building in America at the time it was built.
Cruising the Hudson River and admiring the only (still) working swing railroad bridge in the U.S. It detaches in two places and a huge gear pivots the detached part to allow ships to pass. An operator is posted there 24 hours a day.
View of Albany from the Hudson River
After our lovely tour I stopped at Melville's Mug for a double espresso on ice. The coffee shop is so named because Herman Meville lived in the building two doors down during his youth. Melville even described the aforementioned pulpit in a scene in Moby Dick.
June 17, 2008
Little P Gets the Giggles
Oh, man. I wish I had a video to show you. Tonight I was telling Little P about what we are going to do tomorrow, and with each new detail, he broke out in hysterical laughter.
Mama: And you really need a bath. So tomorrow morning, after you eat, we are going to give you a bath.
Little P: (flailing arms and kicking legs) *uncontrollable giggling*
Mama: And then, we will need to take the puppy for a walk in the park.
Little P: (eyes wide with joy, body wiggling) *laughter, happy screech, more laughter*
Mama: The puppy will be very happy to get his exercise. Then we will make a bottle for you, because you...(interrupted)
Little P: (doing a backbend and the push off of his toes inchworm move) *hysterical laughter*
I think I have finally seen "convulsing with joy" in person. Eventually, I couldn't keep a straight face, and I kept saying the same things over and over just to hear him laugh. Papa heard the noise and tried to get in on the silliness.
The funniest thing was, well, one of the many funny things was that he would wait for me to say something and then he'd laugh like he really understood what I was saying and found it terribly humorous. I can't believe I was worried about this kid.
Mama: And you really need a bath. So tomorrow morning, after you eat, we are going to give you a bath.
Little P: (flailing arms and kicking legs) *uncontrollable giggling*
Mama: And then, we will need to take the puppy for a walk in the park.
Little P: (eyes wide with joy, body wiggling) *laughter, happy screech, more laughter*
Mama: The puppy will be very happy to get his exercise. Then we will make a bottle for you, because you...(interrupted)
Little P: (doing a backbend and the push off of his toes inchworm move) *hysterical laughter*
I think I have finally seen "convulsing with joy" in person. Eventually, I couldn't keep a straight face, and I kept saying the same things over and over just to hear him laugh. Papa heard the noise and tried to get in on the silliness.
The funniest thing was, well, one of the many funny things was that he would wait for me to say something and then he'd laugh like he really understood what I was saying and found it terribly humorous. I can't believe I was worried about this kid.
June 14, 2008
Cloth Diapers...for the last time?
OK - I am almost done talking about cloth diapers. The thing is, a couple people have asked me questions recently that have prompted a few more things to share. So here they are.
BEWARE: If you are squeamish about things like poopies touching your skin, stop reading now. You have been warned.
Now. I realize I have been a bit Pollyana-ish about the effort required for cloth diapers. I admit, boldly, that there are days I put off sticking my hands in a bucket of dirty diapers until you can't bear to stand anywhere in the upstairs due to the odor emanating from Little P's bedroom. I also admit to strategically using disposables (keep reading). But in the end, even when I have to take a break from them for 24 hours, I'm still a woman of the cloth. This belief keeps me going in the midst of more convenient options shouting at me from the baby sections of every store I enter.
A few bits of advice:
1. If you are a cloobie or a netoloth (cloth+newbie or new+to+cloth, your pick) and you don't call yourself (or catch others calling you) a "granola," go easy on yourself. (Tangent: I do not call myself a granola. But I once walked in on someone describing me to some teenagers as "that hippie girl." Ha ha. Real hippies would find me quite conventional, I'm sure.) Start by swapping out two diapers a day and work your way up from there. (I suggest not choosing the poopy time of day for the swap).
2. For cloobies, netoloths, and those of us who sometimes need a break to stay motivated, figure out when your angel drops a load. Hopefully, you will find that there is a regular time of day that this occurs. If not, you probably could schedule your baby's feedings for more regularity (if old enough, of course), or maybe you are just introducing new foods and it's unavoidable (as in the constipation associated with starting an infant on rice cereal...we are experiencing this right now). So, once you know that 10-11 AM tends to be the dirty hour, use a disposable at that time. Keep this going as long as you need to as you adapt to increased laundry loads and dealing with poopies more personally.
3. Poopies. I have experience with two types of diapers, so I will tell you what I do.
Prefolds - I usually don't use these during the poopy hour, but if a poopy occurs, I let it dry a little bit and shake as much of it off into the toilet. Flush. Stick the diaper and my hands in the bowl and rub the poopy sides together until the solids all come off. You do not have to get everything out, but the solids gotta go. You don't want them floating around in your washing machine. (Ewwwww.) Keep wipes or something nearby for the toilet handle in case you have a poopy water hand when you...anyway.
BumGenius pocket diapers - These are pretty awesome for poopies. I let them sit for a day. Poopy will dry up and start to peel away from the fabric on the edges all by itself. Go to the toilet, use toilet paper to peel the poopy off, or sometimes you can just move around the fabric from behind and it will fall off. Depending on how bad the poopy is, you may have to flush and rinse, or you may be able to just toss it in the wash. Really depends on the poopy. Even if you do have to rinse, you will be amazed at how well the poopy comes off the wicking fabric.
Be careful not to agitate the water in the toilet too much when you rinse as it might splash up and hit you in the face. You would be amazed at how little agitation is required to do that.
4. Detergent. You have to be careful about detergent build up - it reduces absorbency. So here is where your all natural, eco-friendly, dye-free, fabric softener free detergents come in handy. If you are already using this stuff, you don't have to buy a special baby detergent. Even so (and BTW Trader Joe's is the WORST of the bunch for soap that just won't come out), you will still need multiple washes. I have an HE washer that uses much less water so I do an extra cycle (3-4). If you have a standard washer, you may get away with fewer washes (2). (I think my HE uses about 16 gallons of H2O to wash, whereas the standard regular washer uses 40 gallons. Thus, when I say I have to do three cycles - even four on occasion, it is still less water than two cycles in the non-HE washer...so please don't get unnerved when I talk about four cycles.)
First - I rinse. Usually I do this by hand, wetting the diapers down and squeezing out the potty by hand. It also means pulling all the parts out of the pocket diapers. I drop them in a bucket with a scoop of baking soda (get a huge bag from one of those bulk stores) and hot water. I let them sit until I have a break in my laundry long enough to deal with the three-four cycles I do. If I prerinse by hand I don't do it in the cycle. If I don't then I add an extra rinse before washing. I do (on the heavy wash cycle): 1 - hot H2O with a tiny bit of laundry soap and vinegar in the bleach tank. 2. cold H2O with even less soap and lots of vinegar in the bleach tank. 3. A heavy, cold load with no soap and a little vinegar. Then I pull out a liner and mash it around looking for that soap sound. If I hear if, they get washed again without soap. Sigh. I'm not sure I would recommend an entry-level HE if you are a woman of the cloth. Maybe one of those expensive heavy-duty ones, but not a basic Kenmore. If you have a non-HE washer, you can probably do two heavy cycles with extra rinses. You might even forego the detergent on the second wash.
4. Night time - I bought two Hemp Babies liners (super absorbent) to add to the regular liners of the pocket diapers at night. I only use one at a time, but I have two so that I am not forced to wash it within 24 hours. (I'm lazy like that.) As for prefolds...the BumGenius diapers come with two sizes of liner - the newborn size, and the expandable size. I, of course, use the expandable in the pockets, but the newborn ones make a great extra liner inside a prefold. I just put in where the thicker part is to give it a boost. Otherwise, prefolds get soaked so fast. The BumGenius diapers last Benjamin 3-4 hours before he feels the wetness. The prefolds only take an hour or so. (Good for potty training, I've heard, because the child knows he's wet and is able to associate the feelings with potty.)
5. No matter what you use, line dry them in the sun whenever possible. For one, it is the surest way to get them looking sparkly white again. Two, it reduces/eliminates the pee smell that can build up over time. Three, and this is probably why number two occurs, UV light actually kills bacteria and sterilizes things (including dust mites - it "inactivates" their DNA, or something like that).
I feel so free using the BumGenius diapers (when I'm not washing them). If I need to go out, and Little P has already done his poopy for the day, I don't need to take spare accessories along. (Note: he's on a feeding schedule so I can time it so that I have a good 3-4 hours before needing a diaper or a bottle). His diaper really keeps him comfortable that long. And I have only had a leak twice - once, when I accidentally left it on for 12 hours (don't ask). And the second time because I got some fabric tucked in around the edge and so the liquid followed the fabric trail on out to his clothes. Not bad, eh?
Finally, my primer on diapering is done. For those of you starting this adventure, add your stories here!
BEWARE: If you are squeamish about things like poopies touching your skin, stop reading now. You have been warned.
Now. I realize I have been a bit Pollyana-ish about the effort required for cloth diapers. I admit, boldly, that there are days I put off sticking my hands in a bucket of dirty diapers until you can't bear to stand anywhere in the upstairs due to the odor emanating from Little P's bedroom. I also admit to strategically using disposables (keep reading). But in the end, even when I have to take a break from them for 24 hours, I'm still a woman of the cloth. This belief keeps me going in the midst of more convenient options shouting at me from the baby sections of every store I enter.
A few bits of advice:
1. If you are a cloobie or a netoloth (cloth+newbie or new+to+cloth, your pick) and you don't call yourself (or catch others calling you) a "granola," go easy on yourself. (Tangent: I do not call myself a granola. But I once walked in on someone describing me to some teenagers as "that hippie girl." Ha ha. Real hippies would find me quite conventional, I'm sure.) Start by swapping out two diapers a day and work your way up from there. (I suggest not choosing the poopy time of day for the swap).
2. For cloobies, netoloths, and those of us who sometimes need a break to stay motivated, figure out when your angel drops a load. Hopefully, you will find that there is a regular time of day that this occurs. If not, you probably could schedule your baby's feedings for more regularity (if old enough, of course), or maybe you are just introducing new foods and it's unavoidable (as in the constipation associated with starting an infant on rice cereal...we are experiencing this right now). So, once you know that 10-11 AM tends to be the dirty hour, use a disposable at that time. Keep this going as long as you need to as you adapt to increased laundry loads and dealing with poopies more personally.
3. Poopies. I have experience with two types of diapers, so I will tell you what I do.
Prefolds - I usually don't use these during the poopy hour, but if a poopy occurs, I let it dry a little bit and shake as much of it off into the toilet. Flush. Stick the diaper and my hands in the bowl and rub the poopy sides together until the solids all come off. You do not have to get everything out, but the solids gotta go. You don't want them floating around in your washing machine. (Ewwwww.) Keep wipes or something nearby for the toilet handle in case you have a poopy water hand when you...anyway.
BumGenius pocket diapers - These are pretty awesome for poopies. I let them sit for a day. Poopy will dry up and start to peel away from the fabric on the edges all by itself. Go to the toilet, use toilet paper to peel the poopy off, or sometimes you can just move around the fabric from behind and it will fall off. Depending on how bad the poopy is, you may have to flush and rinse, or you may be able to just toss it in the wash. Really depends on the poopy. Even if you do have to rinse, you will be amazed at how well the poopy comes off the wicking fabric.
Be careful not to agitate the water in the toilet too much when you rinse as it might splash up and hit you in the face. You would be amazed at how little agitation is required to do that.
4. Detergent. You have to be careful about detergent build up - it reduces absorbency. So here is where your all natural, eco-friendly, dye-free, fabric softener free detergents come in handy. If you are already using this stuff, you don't have to buy a special baby detergent. Even so (and BTW Trader Joe's is the WORST of the bunch for soap that just won't come out), you will still need multiple washes. I have an HE washer that uses much less water so I do an extra cycle (3-4). If you have a standard washer, you may get away with fewer washes (2). (I think my HE uses about 16 gallons of H2O to wash, whereas the standard regular washer uses 40 gallons. Thus, when I say I have to do three cycles - even four on occasion, it is still less water than two cycles in the non-HE washer...so please don't get unnerved when I talk about four cycles.)
First - I rinse. Usually I do this by hand, wetting the diapers down and squeezing out the potty by hand. It also means pulling all the parts out of the pocket diapers. I drop them in a bucket with a scoop of baking soda (get a huge bag from one of those bulk stores) and hot water. I let them sit until I have a break in my laundry long enough to deal with the three-four cycles I do. If I prerinse by hand I don't do it in the cycle. If I don't then I add an extra rinse before washing. I do (on the heavy wash cycle): 1 - hot H2O with a tiny bit of laundry soap and vinegar in the bleach tank. 2. cold H2O with even less soap and lots of vinegar in the bleach tank. 3. A heavy, cold load with no soap and a little vinegar. Then I pull out a liner and mash it around looking for that soap sound. If I hear if, they get washed again without soap. Sigh. I'm not sure I would recommend an entry-level HE if you are a woman of the cloth. Maybe one of those expensive heavy-duty ones, but not a basic Kenmore. If you have a non-HE washer, you can probably do two heavy cycles with extra rinses. You might even forego the detergent on the second wash.
4. Night time - I bought two Hemp Babies liners (super absorbent) to add to the regular liners of the pocket diapers at night. I only use one at a time, but I have two so that I am not forced to wash it within 24 hours. (I'm lazy like that.) As for prefolds...the BumGenius diapers come with two sizes of liner - the newborn size, and the expandable size. I, of course, use the expandable in the pockets, but the newborn ones make a great extra liner inside a prefold. I just put in where the thicker part is to give it a boost. Otherwise, prefolds get soaked so fast. The BumGenius diapers last Benjamin 3-4 hours before he feels the wetness. The prefolds only take an hour or so. (Good for potty training, I've heard, because the child knows he's wet and is able to associate the feelings with potty.)
5. No matter what you use, line dry them in the sun whenever possible. For one, it is the surest way to get them looking sparkly white again. Two, it reduces/eliminates the pee smell that can build up over time. Three, and this is probably why number two occurs, UV light actually kills bacteria and sterilizes things (including dust mites - it "inactivates" their DNA, or something like that).
I feel so free using the BumGenius diapers (when I'm not washing them). If I need to go out, and Little P has already done his poopy for the day, I don't need to take spare accessories along. (Note: he's on a feeding schedule so I can time it so that I have a good 3-4 hours before needing a diaper or a bottle). His diaper really keeps him comfortable that long. And I have only had a leak twice - once, when I accidentally left it on for 12 hours (don't ask). And the second time because I got some fabric tucked in around the edge and so the liquid followed the fabric trail on out to his clothes. Not bad, eh?
Finally, my primer on diapering is done. For those of you starting this adventure, add your stories here!
BenTV 006 - Happy Father's Day!
As most of you know, Brent has plenty to say when you are not listening closely. But when you pay attention to him, or turn a camera on, he becomes Man-of-Few-Words-and-Many-Silences (said in my best Native American accent). Well, in this video, while on the second part of our neighborhood stroll (see BenTV 005), Brent talks about what it's like being a father. I thought it a propo to post this for Father's Day. Happy Father's Day, Brent! You are a loving, gentle, enthusiastic and dedicated father, and I am so glad to be on this great adventure with you!
And, Kevin, happy Father's Day - we are so grateful to be parenting Benjamin. He is just precious.
And, Kevin, happy Father's Day - we are so grateful to be parenting Benjamin. He is just precious.
Five Month Milestones
Little P is, surprisingly (because they warn than few normal kids are normal on the charts), a very average kid when it comes to the statistics. He's right on target for pretty much everything, and a bit ahead of the game in the area of standing (all that Jolly Jumping).
Right now he's in the super-interactive phase where everything catches his attention, including sounds and small objects and facial expressions.
He's also reaching for things. Even a week ago, he would grasp something given to him, but it would fall out of his grasp in a minute. He wouldn't reach out for it. Now he puts his hands out and will actually hold onto something for a while.
Getting around - he lays on his back and scoots everywhere. The knees curl up, the feet tuck under, his arms push up around his head, he arches his back and shoves off. He does this in three quick successions and looks very wormy in the process. This has resulted in a rashy patch (that he now scratches at with his overnight-dagger-growing fingernails) on the back of his neck and head. I laid him down near the fireplace today, under the rainforest gym, and six minutes later he had scooted over near the dog kennel. He still rolls over behind my back - I never seem to catch him at that!
It may be a while before he crawls. He doesn't like being on his tummy, so that's hard to practice. But he's strong enough; he just needs to get the forward motion going.
Benjamin is very strong and can sit up with very little support.
He has also discovered his feet and curls himself up so that his toes can go in his mouth. Yes, he really likes his feet. He stares at them on occasion.
So, Little P is moving right along in development, and I tell him every day how proud I am of how he learns something new every day.
Right now he's in the super-interactive phase where everything catches his attention, including sounds and small objects and facial expressions.
He's also reaching for things. Even a week ago, he would grasp something given to him, but it would fall out of his grasp in a minute. He wouldn't reach out for it. Now he puts his hands out and will actually hold onto something for a while.
Getting around - he lays on his back and scoots everywhere. The knees curl up, the feet tuck under, his arms push up around his head, he arches his back and shoves off. He does this in three quick successions and looks very wormy in the process. This has resulted in a rashy patch (that he now scratches at with his overnight-dagger-growing fingernails) on the back of his neck and head. I laid him down near the fireplace today, under the rainforest gym, and six minutes later he had scooted over near the dog kennel. He still rolls over behind my back - I never seem to catch him at that!
It may be a while before he crawls. He doesn't like being on his tummy, so that's hard to practice. But he's strong enough; he just needs to get the forward motion going.
Benjamin is very strong and can sit up with very little support.
He has also discovered his feet and curls himself up so that his toes can go in his mouth. Yes, he really likes his feet. He stares at them on occasion.
So, Little P is moving right along in development, and I tell him every day how proud I am of how he learns something new every day.
June 13, 2008
BenTV 005 - Neighborhood Stroll in June
This is the beginning of a walk that took us into Washington Park. Here we are one block from our house. Papa P, Mama P, Little P, and Buckley. We take walks as a family frequently. I go out with Benjamin and Buckley almost every day.
BenTV 004 - Sleeping Baby - 3 Weeks Old
Not a lot of action here, folks. But it is precious to see Little P sleeping under his rainforest baby gym.
BenTV 003 - Milk in the Freezer
This one cracks me up - look how much breast milk Emma provided! And that was just one shipment! Give that girl a gold star or something...that was not easy! (Emma provided breast milk for Little P for approximately six weeks. He greatly benefited from this!)
BenTV 002 - Post Bath - 3 Weeks Old
Old video, but fun to watch nonetheless. I'm getting caught up on this stuff. I had just finished giving Little P a bath and was getting him dressed.
The Happy Series
It has been wondered if Little P possesses a sunny disposition. Some concerned readers thought that perhaps he was always as pensive and serious as his photos portrayed. What? No! I gasped, and pondered how that message was sent out to our gentle readers. But then I reviewed Little P's gallery and made a startling discovery. I couldn't find many smiley pictures!
So, it is time to right that wrong. By way of explanation, capturing smiles in photos is a little bit challenging with Little P. I can play with him and get him all giddy and giggly, and then as soon as I put my eye behind the camera, he gets all observant (which produces his serious look). Also, I quite like his pensive expression - it is delicate and sweet...I must have defaulted to that look on occasion. And, lastly, he has been teething lately, which really puts him in a cranky mood for, unfortunately, much of the day. He does a lot more sleeping due to the teething, too. Fewer happy moments, but this is temporary.
Anyway, basically Mama just needed to get more creative about capturing his smiles - because he does smile. A lot. In fact, people always comment on what a happy baby he is when we are out and about. Gentle readers, enjoy.
Click here for the entire series.
So, it is time to right that wrong. By way of explanation, capturing smiles in photos is a little bit challenging with Little P. I can play with him and get him all giddy and giggly, and then as soon as I put my eye behind the camera, he gets all observant (which produces his serious look). Also, I quite like his pensive expression - it is delicate and sweet...I must have defaulted to that look on occasion. And, lastly, he has been teething lately, which really puts him in a cranky mood for, unfortunately, much of the day. He does a lot more sleeping due to the teething, too. Fewer happy moments, but this is temporary.
Anyway, basically Mama just needed to get more creative about capturing his smiles - because he does smile. A lot. In fact, people always comment on what a happy baby he is when we are out and about. Gentle readers, enjoy.
Click here for the entire series.
The Frozen Washcloth
We are making progress on this whole teething pain thing. Little P recently caught on to holding a frozen washcloth (something that wasn't working a mere three days prior). It helps...he's still cranky, but definitely less loud.This photo cracks me up. He is seriously gnawing on that washcloth.
June 10, 2008
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What's the significance of Baby P's name?
A: Benjamin means "son of my right hand" - given to him by us. It took tremendous effort from our hands, and minds, and hearts in order to add him to our family. Anwel means "beloved" - given to him by his birthparents, Emma and Kevin. Q: What were Baby P's birth stats?
A: Born January, 2008, 7 lbs, 8.5 oz, 19 inchesQ: What is your adoption story?
A: This is a story I will eventually tell in complete form. For now, the nutshell version: Papa P and I weren't getting pregnant, even after four years and some simple fertility treatments. Nothing was found to be wrong, but instead of automatically sinking money into invasive treatments, we paid attention to the nudge we felt like we were getting from God - to adopt. We looked into international and domestic adoption and, full details in the long version, decided to go domestic. We were committed to one birthmother - but it fell through (after watching Levi be born and spending two days in the hospital with the mom) minutes before we were to walk out the door with him.We were almost immediately then connected to Emma. We answered a million and one questions and were eventually chosen by Emma and Kevin to adopt Baby P.
The bottom line of both the short and extended versions is that we feel that God had everything to do with the match of Baby P with our family. It is clear that we were the right match for Emma and Kevin, and they were the right match for us. So many factors could have prevented us from hooking up with them...but in the end, they didn't.
Q: What does it mean to have an open adoption?
A: Basically, it's one where the adopted child knows who his birthmother is and, when available, who his birthfather is. The birthparents receive photos and regular updates about the child until the age of 18. Annual visits (often a couple of hours at a picnic at the adoption agency) are negotiable as well.Our situation is much more open than most. We're communicate with Emma and Kevin by phone and email; we're in touch with some of their relatives who email, visit, and/or send letters; we accommodate far more than the annual visit as stipulated in the openness agreement. We also try to keep everyone up to date through this blog. Click here for the original post on this topic.
Q: Is an open adoption difficult as an adoptive parent?
A: Yes. Absolutely.
But the better question is, is it the right thing to do? And again (if the birthmother wishes to have an open adoption), the answer is: Yes. Absolutely. Because, ultimately, the entire adoption is for the good of the child. There may be instances where a birthmother is so extraordinarily difficult or mentally ill that openness naturally is quite limited. However, a friendly relationship between a birthmother and adoptive parents is the best scenario for the growth of the child.
I can't say how much Baby P will one day want or need to know about his biological roots. He may be satisfied with the occasional visit. He may want to know his entire extended biological family. He may even, as a teen or young adult, need a lot of contact as he wrestles with his identity. I cannot know now what he will need as he matures, so I maintain a relationship with his biological family - it will help me understand the parts of him provided by nature, and he will have the opportunity to explore his roots to whatever extent he desires.
Q: What are your thoughts on baby products?
A: I hope to reduce my baby's exposure to toxins by using organic products when possible - this will also show kindness to the environment. I believe in reducing waste by using cloth diapers, and reducing plastic consumption by having wooden toys. Buying fairly traded items will promote global market decency while exposing my child to cultures from around the world. Handmade items are particularly cherished. And hand-me-downs are just as exciting as brand new.
Q: I'm considering using cloth diapers. What do you recommend?
A: I love this topic! Click here for the posts where I've discussed my findings.
Q: I'm concerned about the cocktail of household chemicals surrounding my child. What do you know about "green" cleaning products?
A: Another adventure in learning! Click here for past postings on the green clean.
**Note: The FAQs section will be updated as questions come up.
**Note: The FAQs section will be updated as questions come up.
June 5, 2008
Ready to Go
Clearly, this guy is gettin' his groove on. He was rocking forward and backward. I am kind of relieved - it would be good (at least for his reputation) for him to crawl before walking.
State of the Union
This is the mess we are living in at the moment. I am hoping we don't scar Benjamin forever with such disorder at The Pod. It appears that all the junk lying around is inspiring Benjamin to crawl. How do you baby-proof moving supplies when you need them?
Buckley is not really as huge as he appears in this photo. He's a 25 pound dog - nice and medium-sized. And not dangerous. Most of the time. Kind of like Mama.
June 4, 2008
Teething's a Bitch!
Oh. My. Gosh. It is now 3:45 and I was hoping to catch some z's, but guess who's been squawking for the last 65 minutes? Normally he sleeps solidly through the night. But nooo, not tonight. I went up there and did my usual nighttime thing - singing and patting his bum - I gave him Tylenol and homeopathic remedies. I turned on his rainforest lullaby thing.
And 15 minutes later, Brent decided he would do the 4:00 feeding...it was close in time and maybe Benjamin was hungry. That worked for 20 minutes.
And now, I want to go to sleep and he is squawking. Sigh.
Benjamin is proving to have a sweet and funny temperament. He smiles constantly, looks at everything, and interacts well with people.
Except...
when he's screaming for time on end because of the pain in his gums. I've tried every remedy in the book. Alas, this is his plight. And ours, too.
And 15 minutes later, Brent decided he would do the 4:00 feeding...it was close in time and maybe Benjamin was hungry. That worked for 20 minutes.
And now, I want to go to sleep and he is squawking. Sigh.
Benjamin is proving to have a sweet and funny temperament. He smiles constantly, looks at everything, and interacts well with people.
Except...
when he's screaming for time on end because of the pain in his gums. I've tried every remedy in the book. Alas, this is his plight. And ours, too.
In Case You Forgot What He Looks Like
First of all, can you believe that three minutes ago he was smack in the middle of that rug?!More close-ups - I can't resist.
Too Fast for the Camera
Benjamin is now bouncing in his jumper so, uh, assertively, that I cannot photograph him with any clarity. He flies in that thing!
In fact, all the exercise has worn down his third chin. His second chin is also nearly gone! (It might help that he suddenly hit a growth spurt...)
June 3, 2008
Looking Upward
This afternoon I hung laundry out to dry in the backyard. Benjamin and Buckley both love being outdoors - it seems to put them in better spirits. Benjamin spends a lot of time looking at the tree branches and sky.
He's also figured out that a camera is something to be looked at.
He's also been discovering his feet lately.
Any time is a good time for a stretch.
Don't forget those fingers...
Precious little guy...has no idea how cute he is.
The view from the bouncy seat.
Oh, and this was going on in a cloud of dust nearby.
He's also figured out that a camera is something to be looked at.
He's also been discovering his feet lately.
Any time is a good time for a stretch.
Don't forget those fingers...
Precious little guy...has no idea how cute he is.
The view from the bouncy seat.
Oh, and this was going on in a cloud of dust nearby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)