We've been talking a lot at church about prayer. Last night the little group that meets in our house weekly, made up of parents, pondered how to pray meaningfully with our children. I've been growing in this area and am by no means an authority or super-spiritual or above any other parent - it's just that I think some of the things I've been learning and trying out are worth sharing.
Let's start with the fundamental value of a Christ-following parent, because anything I do should be tied to this:
I want my child to know the Gospel. And by that I mean the Truth that human beings -- me, them, we -- are frail and prone to self-centeredness. We eat too much, we envy, we grumble, we say mean things and then justify ourselves, we hide our deviousness. We hurt others on purpose, and we hurt them on accident. And if we think we do none of that, then our issue is pride. Yet, in the midst of our hurtful ways, God loves us and He provides a rescue plan through Jesus. And by believing in Jesus, I am not only rescued from my own destructiveness, but I am given the opportunity to change. To grow to be more like Jesus: sacrificial, considerate of others, peace-making, patient, kind, gentle, possessing control over my wayward tongue. I have the opportunity to be an instrument of healing and restoration rather than a clawing, clamoring bundle of entitlement. I can't do it alone. I am transformed by him when I am close to him.
The trouble is, often the righteous behavior that is the product of God's work in my child's heart gets rerouted as the objective. When that happens, I am only teaching my child to do good works on his own strength. I teach him to value hypocrisy over humility. Prayer is a beautiful space for intimately joining our children in asking God to transform their hearts (and our own!). Together we can humbly acknowledge our struggles and ask for strength to do things differently the next day. We can ask for opportunities to show God's love to others. And we can pray on behalf of people we encounter throughout the day.
So when I pray with my children, here are some of the things we do:
1. Pray for whatever their hearts need most.
Are they fighting over toys a lot? Bragging and envying and competing? Hitting? Do they have a very short fuse with siblings? Or maybe, in the tween world, are there social conflicts and gossip? Giving a frenemy the cold shoulder? Feeling left out? Is there a general attitude of disrespect? Is there a lack of empathy? Do they think they are entitled to everything?
We are talking about Jesus and reading the Bible off and on throughout the week, so anything we pray can be tied back to something we've already talked about. Praying before bed is not the time to launch into lengthy explanations. Our prayers can be short and sincere because other groundwork has been laid. Some of our prayers have included:
-- Give us the chance to show extra kindness to someone at school tomorrow.
-- Help us get better at solving problems with our sister peacefully.
-- Help me find a way to be patient with ______ even when she says hurtful things about me.
-- Give my heart joy even when I am working hard and I feel tired.
-- Help me see where someone's harsh words might be the result of their own hurts.
-- Help me to remember to listen to my teacher's voice.
-- Help me find something good about ______.
-- Thank you for the way you have provided for us today - the beautiful sunshine, the birds building their nests in our backyard, the way we have healthy food to eat and a Papa who spent so much time preparing dinner tonight. Help us to remember that you have provided for all our needs, and help us to be able to see the difference between the things we need and the things we want.
2. Thank God, specifically, for them.
Because I have children through adoption or fostering, it is at the forefront of my mind how God has put us all together as a family. This is true of biological children, though perhaps not as obvious. It helps my children feel loved and whole when I share with God, in front of them, how pleased I am with them. How dearly I love them. How I delight in them. I also am giving them context - that no matter how or why we fit together as a family at this time, God did it because he loves us. And we can trust his goodness and provision.
-- Thank you for Maks, God. Thank you for making him a part of our family for this time. You have given him two families so that he will always have lots of people to love and care for him, because YOU love and care for him. Thank you for his sweetness and his desire to always be helpful. We love him so much.
3. Pray for others, especially for those we don't know.
Children will naturally think of all the sick grandmothers and dead family pets when asked to pray for others. But will they think of the drunk, homeless man? Will they include the unhappy child at school who is not very nice to be around? We can help them pray for these people's hearts - not just that they will get a place to stay (which may not be realistic where serious mental illness is concerned) or suddenly be nice (which is the result of a heart or situation change). We can pray when we hear a siren in the distance - pray for the person needing the emergency help. We can help them process what they experienced throughout the day by praying with them for the people who were part of that experience.
-- Lord, please be near that lady who was talking to us in the grocery store line. She said such nice things to us, but there was so much sadness in her eyes. Lord, we don't know what is going on in her life, but you do. Please find a way to let her know you are near. Please help her bring her problems to you. Help her to trust you. Bring good people around her to encourage her.
-- We pray for Stella. I don't like how she's been so mean to Tati. But we know that when people are acting like that there is something hurting them inside. We pray for that hurt. We pray that she would find a safe place to talk about that hurt. A safe place for her hurt to heal. We ask that you would give Tati courage to be kind to her, patience with her words. We ask you to give Tati a heart that is open to possibly being her friend.
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Our prayers do not have to be long or formal, though it is really cool when they can be intentional. I think if we include praying like this, we will also be developing humility, empathy, and dependence on God. Instead of approaching Our Father as a heavenly Santa with a wish list of ways to be delivered from uncomfortable circumstances, our children can ask him to make them better lovers of people, stronger in dealing with challenges, and more aware of others' needs. What a perspective change!
