THE TALK

One of my goals for this summer was to teach the two oldest kiddos about sex. We now have a 3rd grader and a very mature Kindergartner. How did I know either one of them was ready? The trigger was the oldest child's scientific mind: as we were driving around town he asked, "Mom, I know how a baby would get DNA from his mother because he grows inside of her. But how does he get DNA from his father?"

It's pretty impossible to answer that without being honest about the details.

And it's pretty hard to put off that answer without sending the signal that somehow it's taboo.

And because this child is such a persistent learner, the question was clearly not going to go away on its own.

And since the second child is already FAR more aware of bodies and body stuff than I imagined at this age, and because she's the most committed sidekick to the first child (who I'm guessing would not be able to keep his mouth shut forever), The Papa and I just decided to teach them both together.

For a little more background, studies have shown that it's healthier (and kids make healthier decisions in the future) when parents talk early and often about sex--kids who get the scoop from parents learn to trust their parents to give them accurate information; they are also more likely to have sex later than their peers and use protection when they do; and they tend to pick up their parents' attitudes and values surrounding sex.

A family therapist once told me that the average age when children hear about BJs for the very first time is first grade. FIRST GRADE, people. Now of course they don't have the brain development to totally get what they're hearing but still. Do I want my kids to trust playground wisdom or do I want them to come to me? I am not going to keep my head in the sand about this subject.

For more authority on the subject, here are a few articles and facts that might be informative:

TIME Magazine shares why it's often "Too Little, Too Late."

The CDC has sexual risk statistics for 2015.

The Guttmacher Institute reports on how teens learn about sexual health.

The Palo Alto Medical Foundation emphasizes that parents are the most important sexuality educators for their children. 

Now I didn't need all those sources to tell me this is a good idea, but they provide some evidence of the importance of being the first and the best source of information for our kids, as well as an ongoing source of information. It's not a one-stop talk.

I headed into the first conversation today lead by The Talk by Luke Gilkerson. I'll tell you about that in a minute, but first I want to share a few tidbits from the parent introduction. Gilkerson talks about the work his organization does with families that have been affected by porn obsession, including kids who have been exposed as young as 8, 9, or 10 years old. One of the things the parents say is this: "I wish I would have spoken with my child sooner about sex."

Another point I appreciated: "In some conservative religious Christian circles, sex is treated as gross, a necessary function they'd rather not talk about. In the world, sex is treated like a god, an ultimate source of pleasure, meaning, and value. Neither of these is a right biblical attitude. Sex is not gross. It is not God. But it is good. As parents it is not only our job to communicate to our children what sex is, but a godly attitude about it."

The introduction also explains why, in most cases, the best age to begin talking about sex is between the ages of six and ten. I won't go into it here, but it's comforting to read, actually.

Now I don't want to betray my kiddos by sharing their responses in too much detail. You can imagine the "Ew!" and the "I'm so embarrassed" and so on. But what was curious to me was the complete respect they both had for the womb--talking about how the body produces and brings a baby into the world blew their minds in the best way possible. When I asked them what they found most interesting about all the stuff we talked about, they both had their spin on that information. My firstborn found it even more fascinating than anything he learned about his own body.

I'm pretty sure that, while they didn't mention it, learning all the technical terms for the parts of the body "down there" was exciting for them. Like looking up the rectum, and understanding how the urethra works, and comparing the male and female systems.

And I did cry from laughing at one point as one child gyrated in an attempt to get down the logistics of it all.

If you are curious about this resource, I highly recommend it! There are seven lessons, all Biblically based. (We accomplished the first two today, because the BIG QUESTION of "HOW" was left unanswered by the first lesson.)

1. God Made them Male and Female
2. Go Forth and Multiply
3. Wonderfully Made
4. The Two Shall Become One Flesh
5. You Shall Not Commit Adultery
6. Do Not Violate Me
7. Bought With a Price

Get The Talk on Amazon.

May this be helpful, fellow parents, as you navigate this tricky subject. I am already loving it!

Sharing vs. Caring

One of Sadie Lou's favorite sayings is, "Sharing is caring!" She especially likes to use this in situations when someone else is not sharing with her. Never is it employed when SHE is hording toys. Anyway, the other day a conversation went something like this.

Oli is playing quietly with a car of some sort.

Sadie Lou:    Oli, can I please have that car?

Oli:   No. I paying wiff it.

Sadie Lou:    Oli!!! You need to share with me!

Oli:   NO, Sadie!!

Sadie Lou:    But Oli! SHARING IS CARING!!!!! If you don't share, you don't care!

Oli:    I NOT caring!!!

Sadie, Squeak Monsters, and Breakfast

In this first video, Sadie is nearly three. We had stopped at the grocery store on the way home from somewhere, and while Papa ran inside for a few items, I was having trouble keeping Sadie occupied. Can you imagine why? Little Miss Bright Eyes does not sit still...pretty much EVER.



And here, at three and a half, she is helping Papa make breakfast - part of the morning routine - in a princess dress, of course.

Video Flashbacks from 2013!

Playing around at the park - Sadie, age 2, and Benji, age 5.



Wanna know how to stop a tantrum? (Sometimes...) Repeat what they said so they feel heard. (Until they figure out what you are doing and it doesn't work anymore.)



When Sadie was two, what happened when Papa left for work? Oh, just a little hanging from the front door knob...this video doesn't even capture how long she could pull herself up - she could hang for 30 seconds at a time, and she would climb all the way up to the knob.



And...it's a powerful dance until you land on a tiny toy...



The following sequence is classic Sadie and Benjamin. Though the years pass, their interactions have not changed much. In the first, Benji's dance is upstaged by Sadie's happy feet. (She still walks that fast and bouncy.) In the second, she's all belly and britches and boots.





Near the top of the cuteness scale is a big brother who is learning to read teaching his little sister to read. Throw in eating some chicken-veggie stirfry and all is right with the world.

Beautiful

This is the girl who captivates me with her beauty. I strive for immunity, for beauty is fleeting and irrelevant to the important things of life - but I watch her dance through her days, ever moving; I hear her laugh from deep within her belly, always; I see her smile take over her face, her eyes glittering...and I am just in awe of this little creature. Simply, she glows.

So when I brush her hair, clean her teeth, and wipe the breakfast smoothie off her forehead, I look in her eyes and tell her, "Beautiful."

Those bright eyes twinkle and she, who is unable to stand still right now, darts off to the next adventure.

This has become such a lovely habit that these days when I brush her hair, clean her teeth, and wipe some breakfast oatmeal off her cheeks, she pauses long enough to lean in closely and gently say, "Be-yoo-tiful, Mama."

The Phantom

This is the boy whose latest obsession is the soundtrack to The Phantom of the Opera. Tonight when I went in to tuck him into bed, I found him lying on his back on the bottom bunk, in his underwear, with no blanket...hands behind his head and gazing out his open window as he listened to the music.

Benj:  Mom, do you know what I'm listening to right now?

Mama:  No. (It was a song I didn't recognize.)

Benj: It's The Phantom of the Opera. I want you to come sit by me and listen with me.

Mama:  OK. (I lie down next to him, and he snuggles up close.)

Benj:  It's in the theater. I know because I can hear the audience laughing.

Mama:  Yes.

Benj:  And that is the voice of the Phantom.

Mama:  Yes. We should take you to go see it some time.

Benj:  I'd like that. But not in the theater, Mom. It might be too scary. Maybe just see if it's on DVD.

Mama:  OK, sweets. I'll check.

Benj:  Oh, shhh. I like this part. It's the girl with the beautiful voice. Her name is Christine.

Males break things, and females...

I overhear an altercation in the living room and go in to check on the three older kids. I see a pile of couch pillows, a few stray dress-up items, and two kids dogpiled on top. Sadie is shrieking, Oli is howling, and Benj is barking orders that no one can exactly hear over the chaos.

It turns out that Oli was breaking up Sadie's creation, but the best part is Benjamin's explanation.

Mama: What is going on here?

Benj: Oli is messing up Sadie's pile.   

(Sadie, in the background, wails "Nooooooooooooo!")

Mama: Uh, huh.  Sadie, let's set some of those things over there. Oli, come here for a minute.

Benj:  But Mom. Males break things.

Mama: Yes. Yes they sometimes do.

Benj: But Mom. That's what they're supposed to do.  And females get mad. (He shrugs his arms and looks up through the hair in his eyes.)

Mama:  Ha!

Benj: It's the true thing about life - males break things, and females get really mad.
          (pause) 
There's something else that I know. Well, everyone knows.  Females have babies; males don't. That's why female scorpions carry their babies on their back.

God Can be SO Disappointing

Over dinner one evening:

Benj:  Whenever I ask God to do stuff, he never does.

Mama:  Oh, yeah? What do you ask him about?

Benj:  Well...I asked him to give me special powers...and for an asteroid to fall from the sky...but he didn't do it.

Mama: Wow. Those are really big things.

Benj:  Yeah, but I REALLY wanted him to give me a huge tarantula to stomp on houses.

Who needs 911?

June 2013

While playing with a friend one day, this was overheard:

Benj:      I'm so tired of emergencies.

Friend:  What are you going to do?

Benj:     Get in your pixie dust boat and go away.

The Red Animal

LP: Mama, come and see what I painted. It's a red animal.

Mama: Ooh, cool. Tell me about it.

LP: Well, guess what it is.

Mama: Um...a dinosaur?

LP: No. It's something else. Not something a long time ago.

Mama:  OK. An anteater?

LP:  No. Because it doesn't have a long snout. That is its mouth (pointing at the indentation on the right). THAT is the tail (pointing at the part I thought was a long snout).

Mama: OK. Hmmm...I don't know.

LP: It's the biggest of all the land mammals.

Mama: I want to say elephant, but I can see that it doesn't have a trunk. What is it?

LP: [big sigh]

Pause. He looks around the room and dramatically rests his chin in his hand, elbow on the counter.

LP: [another big sigh] You see, it's a...gleason (pronounced glee-sahn). You just haven't seen one before. When I was watching Jeff Corwin, he wrestled a gleason.


More information on the gleason, by Benjamin:

It's very feminizing. It can eat bears. It eats anything that is meat. It can gobble up a whole elephant all at one time.

Quotable: on camouflage

"I just put on my camouflage underwear to match with my camouflage pants! Isn't that cool, Mama?" -- Benjamin

How Much Do You Love Me?

"Mama, how much do you love me?" It's an ongoing conversation we have, sometimes several times a day. The quantifying of our love is rooted in the story Guess How Much I Love You, one of our favorite bedtime tales when he was tiny. The little nutbrown hare tries to show his love to his parent, and the big nutbrown hare always manages to outlove him.

Our sweet competition has taken a definitively preschool turn. We no longer compare the amount of our love to things like how tall we can stand or how high we can jump.

"I love you all the way to the sun and the stars. I love you to the furthest planets," I tell him.

"Hmm, that's far," he observes. "Mama, I love YOU to the flames, and the Star Boards, and all the vol-candles!" he breathlessly adds.

"Oh, that's a lot of love," I say.

Star Boards. He has developed a deep interest in Star Wars. Before he even watched the movie, he discovered action figures in other kids' bedrooms. He saw pictures on lunchboxes. He heard about Darth Vader, the ultimate bad guy. But he never got the word "wars." I tried to explain it to him once, long after letting him pronounce it incorrectly just because I thought it was cute. But the term had already crystallized. Despite finally seeing two of the movies (Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back...none of these new versions), he still hasn't put together that there is a war going on. Nor has he realized that Star Boards is not a location, which is why it pops up so often to add drama in our expressions of love.

The "vol-candle" is about the most awe-inspiring thing his little mind can comprehend. The explosion of the tip of a mountain and the fount of lava that proceeds is almost more than he can handle. To compare his love to THAT, well, it's an impressive thing, indeed.

As for the flames - they're good for everything from buildings on fire to decorating fast cars, not to mention the ball of flames that is the sun.

I do feel loved.

Five minutes pass.

"Mama, how much do you love me?"

"I love you to the Star Wars. I love you to the flames and even the VOLCANOES."

He watches me.

"Mama, I love you even more than that."

Vitamin D

LP: Mama, I'm just gonna take my shirt off.

Mama: Oh, yeah?

LP: Yeah. (removing his shirt) I just need to get some Vitamin D. My body is telling me I need some Vitamin D.


** Can you tell we've been talking about vitamins and being healthy lately?

Just Reading

Wednesday morning, as The Papa and I were preparing breakfast and feeding Sadie in the kitchen, we noticed it was awfully quiet. I asked The Papa if Benjamin was up yet, and he said yes. As this type of silence is not usual for our boy in the morning, I went to investigate. This is what I found.

Mama: What are you doing?

LP: I'm reading with my bear and my zebra.

But of course.

Picking Oranges

Earlier this week, Benjamin and Sadie decided to go pick oranges at Auntie Bek's house. It was kind of a gloomy, damp day, but we were in need of the vitamin C. 

See, we recently had a conversation that went something like this:

Mama: (peeling and cutting up oranges for breakfast) Mmmm...oranges. Oranges give us vitamin C. Mmmm...oranges are so sweet and delicious. We are so fortunate to have oranges. They help us avoid getting scurvy.

LP: What's scurvy, Mom?

Mama: It's a sickness.

LP: What kind of sickness?

Mama:  Well, people who spent a lot of time on boats crossing the ocean would get scurvy. They would go for long periods of time without fruit, and that made them sick.

LP: Like pirates?

Mama: Yes. And explorers.

LP: I don't want scurvy.

Mama: Well, if you eat lots of oranges, you won't get scurvy.

LP:  I am going to eat LOTS of oranges! I will NOT get scurvy!

Little does he know, almost no one gets scurvy anymore. Heh, heh.

The guy below was a lot more help than our little miss. But that's not surprising.

She preferred to explore every single step and dirt patch she could find.

Benjamin held the bags for a while and then scampered off calling out, "Take a picture of meeeeeee, Mama! Take a picture of meee!" and making absurd faces while stretching his hat into unnatural proportions. I don't think that hat will ever be the same.

Does this remind anyone else of a giraffe drinking from a pond?

 And, really, I think we need a good caption for the next photo. I mean, he is so over Sadie's step-climbing shenanigans.

And that's that, folks! After much rolling down the steep lawn, we took our bags of oranges and lemons and headed home (muddy and wet and with runny noses).

Overheard

As he is in the bathroom going potty, this is what I hear:

"I'm just trying to be like the Africa guys. I took off my shirt to be like the Africa guys. Yeah. I took off my shirt because it was wet, and now I'm like the Africa guys."

**This combines two of his latest obsessions - his friends, the Africa guys, and his extreme sensitivity to the least amount of wetness on his clothing. He merely gets a sleeve damp while washing his hands and suddenly he simply canNOT wear the shirt any more. Yet another excuse to remove his clothing.

The Africa Chronicles

Since around the beginning of September, Benjamin has been obsessed with Africa. Whenever he shares new information with us, he tells us he learned it from his Africa friend. He dances a dance and calls it Africa dancing. Every story he tells is set in Africa.

I think a few factors contributed to this:

1. We have photos and art around the house from our time in Africa - before Benjamin even entered the picture; before, in some cases, The Mama and Papa even met. We have always wanted our kids to feel as though they are citizens of the world and have thus talked about other countries and cultures and languages openly.

2. At his new school, Benjamin is required to bring a placemat with him in his lunchbox. As I prepared for his first day, I placed a batik placemat from Zimbabwe in the box. And then I told him about it - how a woman in Zimbabwe had made it, how it was beautiful and artistic, how it was special that he got to use it at school. (I was concerned that perhaps other kids would have something "cooler" as in something with licensed characters on it - Cars, Spiderman, Shrek. I was hoping to ward off any potential disappointments. I needn't have worried.)

So when I called the school director to tell her we would be in the mountains the entire week of Thanksgiving, she told me how wonderful it was that Benjamin got to travel so much. How he talks a lot about his time in Africa. Then she asked where exactly he had gone.

Ahem. How to reply. The kid's got a wild imagination and a fascination with adventures in foreign lands.

*      *      *      *

Let's go now to an incident with his favorite "frenemy."

frenemy: (n) Someone who is both friend and enemy, a relationship that is both mutually beneficial or dependent while being competitive, fraught with risk and mistrust.  (urbandictionary.com)

We will talk about that relationship later. The important thing is...the frenemy bit Benjamin on the leg during circle time.  

The director called me later in the day to see how he was doing. They had been unable to ascertain the damage due to Benjamin's resistance to allowing any adult to pull up his pant leg and view the wound. This was the first I had heard of it. 

Sure enough, there was a purple bruise in the shape of a mouthful of teeth on his inner thigh. When I asked him about it, he said, "No!  Y--- did not bite me, a giant pincher bug did!"

"But Miss W--- said he did. Are you sure about that?!

"Yes!  I was in Africa, and there were giant pincher bugs!  And they bited me all over my body!  They bited my leg, and then they bited my other leg. And then they bited my arm and then my other arm. And then they bited my HEAD!!! I had to run very fast to get away from them."

Such is the story to this day. Despite having a tortured relationship with Kid Y, he covered for him. Or he lives in an alternate reality...

*      *      *      *

Here's what he looks like telling one of these stories about the dangerous pincher bugs. Around the time that the firemen came to his school for safety week, he added in dangerous fires and dramatic rescues and lots and lots of smoke.

*      *      *      *

Finally, in an attempt to publish one of his stories for your amusement, I asked him to retell one. And here it is - with all its drama and redundancies. Enjoy:

At Africa, I was by myself with those pincher bugs. I passed the pincher bugs, and then they hurried up at me and they bite me on the head and everything. Some of the pincher bugs bite my hair off.

The pincher bugs just bite me all over, on my self, on my neck and on my chin and on my legs and on my shirt.  But some of them just BITE my SHIRT.

I get away from pincher bugs when some of the pincher bugs were going to our home and trying to be friends. Yeah. Some of them are just bad pincher bugs.

There was a big blast of fire on the Africa wall. It was like a giant or a robot and it shoot off like a robot. I didn't have ear plugs and it shoot right past my ears and it just went down, down, down, down, down. And it shoot up in the air again and went down, down, down again.

There was a lot of smoke in the air. Lots and lots of smoke in the air. And I was wiggling my stuff off with the smoke. And the pincher bug bite my finger.

There was Africa water I was supposed to drink on the island, on the Africa sea. And then we had some goggles on, and we were on top of the sea, on the ocean. We got on a Africa cliff and just jumped right off it and splashed right into the sea. 

We got in our Africa seats and they were magical because they could move up into the air. And we went very high up in the air to Saturn, and we looked at Saturn, and then we went to another planet and we looked at something. We were going on our magical Africa seats, and we shot the Saturn and it turned into the sun. That was cool, Mama.

Some guns are magical in Africa because some make suns. They shoot to Saturn, and then it turns into a sun.

We were swimming inside the water, and we were drinking it at the same time and we felt that it was good.  Then we got a plastic cup that doesn't break -  it was a water cup - and then we go inside the water, and then we come out of the water, and then drink the water that was inside the sea.

The Africa music is like ba-ba-wa-ba-ba-da. Duch-ee-wah-du-so-man-nee-didju-wa-do-na-do-na...

Best Friend?

So we were reading a new book today, and in it the question is asked: Do you have a best friend?

I asked Benjamin, so who is your best friend? Here is what he said:

"Yes! My best friend is named Bloomi. He lives in Africa. He's African."

Benjamin's Idea

Mama: Benjamin, I was thinking it might be fun to go on a hike today.

LP: Yeah!!! Let's go for a hike!

Mama: Shall we go to Felicita Park with the dog?

LP: Yeah! That sounds like fun!

A few minutes later...

LP: But, Mama? I was thinking it would be fun to go to the beach.

Mama: Oh, yeah? That sounds like a great idea!

LP: I want to walk by the ocean.

Mama: OK, that sounds lovely. Shall we take a picnic lunch?

LP: Ooooooh, yes! I LOVE a picnic!

And so we did.


And on the way home...

Mama: That was a great idea, Benjamin. Thank you for suggesting the beach. I had a so much fun with you.

LP: Yeah...I have a lot of great ideas.

Quote of Last Week

I should have posted this earlier...

While driving for five hours from Cleveland to Rochester, The Papa and I were have a discussion that became a little heated. We were not fighting exactly, but rather I was getting frustrated because I felt like he didn't understand what I was saying...but he thought he did. My voice got a little intense.

Then, from the back seat we heard:

"Guys, guys!  Just calm down. Everyone needs to calm down now!"

While trying not to laugh (for Benjamin would not understand and might feel patronized), we agreed. We thanked him for the reminder, and admitted that even mamas and papas need help controlling our emotions sometimes.

Smart kid.