Catching Up: Easter Morning at the Beach

I really love the significance of certain celebrations in the Christian church. And as for Easter, when we remember Christ breaking the bind of death, it's right up there at the top. But it's really hard to do the BIG DEAL CELEBRATIONS with a child who can't handle overstimulating environments, and three others who, just because they are so young, can't handle all the hubbub either.

So this year, we decided to calm down the celebration and take it to the beach.

Instead of church at church, with a bunch of candy and visitors and craziness, we woke the kids early and put them in the car (in their jammies) for a lovely morning adventure.

On the way to the beach, we played the parts of the Jesus Storybook DVD that covered his last days and death and resurrection. We chatted (for like, 5 minutes, because that's all we're gonna get at this age) about what it means that Jesus conquered death, and we prayed a tiny prayer.

I think there is not much more peaceful than waking up and setting foot on the beach in one's jammies.

Of course they didn't stay in their jammies, we brought clothes and swimsuits, but it was a nice start.

I made a special breakfast - blueberry muffins, boiled eggs, lots of fruit and yogurt options.

And we busted out the kite that almost never gets used. The weather was perfect, and it was one of those days we'll always remember.

On praying with kids

We've been talking a lot at church about prayer. Last night the little group that meets in our house weekly, made up of parents, pondered how to pray meaningfully with our children. I've been growing in this area and am by no means an authority or super-spiritual or above any other parent - it's just that I think some of the things I've been learning and trying out are worth sharing.

Let's start with the fundamental value of a Christ-following parent, because anything I do should be tied to this:

I want my child to know the Gospel. And by that I mean the Truth that human beings -- me, them, we -- are frail and prone to self-centeredness. We eat too much, we envy, we grumble, we say mean things and then justify ourselves, we hide our deviousness. We hurt others on purpose, and we hurt them on accident.  And if we think we do none of that, then our issue is pride. Yet, in the midst of our hurtful ways, God loves us and He provides a rescue plan through Jesus. And by believing in Jesus, I am not only rescued from my own destructiveness, but I am given the opportunity to change. To grow to be more like Jesus: sacrificial, considerate of others, peace-making, patient, kind, gentle, possessing control over my wayward tongue. I have the opportunity to be an instrument of healing and restoration rather than a clawing, clamoring bundle of entitlement. I can't do it alone. I am transformed by him when I am close to him.

The trouble is, often the righteous behavior that is the product of God's work in my child's heart gets rerouted as the objective. When that happens, I am only teaching my child to do good works on his own strength. I teach him to value hypocrisy over humility. Prayer is a beautiful space for intimately joining our children in asking God to transform their hearts (and our own!). Together we can humbly acknowledge our struggles and ask for strength to do things differently the next day. We can ask for opportunities to show God's love to others. And we can pray on behalf of people we encounter throughout the day.

So when I pray with my children, here are some of the things we do:


1. Pray for whatever their hearts need most.
Are they fighting over toys a lot? Bragging and envying and competing? Hitting? Do they have a very short fuse with siblings? Or maybe, in the tween world, are there social conflicts and gossip? Giving a frenemy the cold shoulder? Feeling left out? Is there a general attitude of disrespect? Is there a lack of empathy? Do they think they are entitled to everything?

We are talking about Jesus and reading the Bible off and on throughout the week, so anything we pray can be tied back to something we've already talked about. Praying before bed is not the time to launch into lengthy explanations. Our prayers can be short and sincere because other groundwork has been laid. Some of our prayers have included:

-- Give us hearts that can care about others instead of only caring about our own wants.

-- Give us the chance to show extra kindness to someone at school tomorrow.

-- Help us get better at solving problems with our sister peacefully.

-- Help me find a way to be patient with ______ even when she says hurtful things about me.

-- Give my heart joy even when I am working hard and I feel tired.

-- Help me see where someone's harsh words might be the result of their own hurts.

-- Help me to remember to listen to my teacher's voice.

-- Help me find something good about ______.

-- Thank you for the way you have provided for us today - the beautiful sunshine, the birds building their nests in our backyard, the way we have healthy food to eat and a Papa who spent so much time preparing dinner tonight. Help us to remember that you have provided for all our needs, and help us to be able to see the difference between the things we need and the things we want.


2. Thank God, specifically, for them.
Because I have children through adoption or fostering, it is at the forefront of my mind how God has put us all together as a family. This is true of biological children, though perhaps not as obvious. It helps my children feel loved and whole when I share with God, in front of them, how pleased I am with them. How dearly I love them. How I delight in them. I also am giving them context - that no matter how or why we fit together as a family at this time, God did it because he loves us. And we can trust his goodness and provision.

-- I thank you for putting Sadie into our family. We just love her so very much. Thank you for giving her such a strong body, such a quick mind, and such a lively personality. Thank you, God, for her joy that shines through her beautiful smile. We are so grateful you brought her to us. And we are grateful that you have given her so many people to love her (and here I sometimes name all the grandmas and grandpas or aunties or whomever to help unite, in her mind, all the biological and adoptive family).

-- Thank you for Maks, God. Thank you for making him a part of our family for this time. You have given him two families so that he will always have lots of people to love and care for him, because YOU love and care for him. Thank you for his sweetness and his desire to always be helpful. We love him so much.

3. Pray for others, especially for those we don't know. 
Children will naturally think of all the sick grandmothers and dead family pets when asked to pray for others. But will they think of the drunk, homeless man? Will they include the unhappy child at school who is not very nice to be around? We can help them pray for these people's hearts - not just that they will get a place to stay (which may not be realistic where serious mental illness is concerned) or suddenly be nice (which is the result of a heart or situation change). We can pray when we hear a siren in the distance - pray for the person needing the emergency help. We can help them process what they experienced throughout the day by praying with them for the people who were part of that experience.

-- We pray for Wayne, God. He is very sad and lonely. Sleeping at night under the bridge is a scary thing. We ask that you comfort his heart. That you remind him that he is loved. Give him peace in the midst of all the scary stuff. Bring one of his friends to him, to be with him. We ask for another opportunity to run into him and see how he's doing. Help us to keep our eyes open to know when someone is lonely. Give us courage to say hi and to listen if they need to talk.


-- Lord, please be near that lady who was talking to us in the grocery store line. She said such nice things to us, but there was so much sadness in her eyes. Lord, we don't know what is going on in her life, but you do. Please find a way to let her know you are near. Please help her bring her problems to you. Help her to trust you. Bring good people around her to encourage her.


-- We pray for Stella. I don't like how she's been so mean to Tati. But we know that when people are acting like that there is something hurting them inside. We pray for that hurt. We pray that she would find a safe place to talk about that hurt. A safe place for her hurt to heal. We ask that you would give Tati courage to be kind to her, patience with her words. We ask you to give Tati a heart that is open to possibly being her friend.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Our prayers do not have to be long or formal, though it is really cool when they can be intentional. I think if we include praying like this, we will also be developing humility, empathy, and dependence on God. Instead of approaching Our Father as a heavenly Santa with a wish list of ways to be delivered from uncomfortable circumstances, our children can ask him to make them better lovers of people, stronger in dealing with challenges, and more aware of others' needs. What a perspective change!

Not My Own

I would probably have missed this truth had it not been for the blessing of adoption. My ego, or my attempt to control, or the way my boy might have worn my eyes or smile might have obscured my sense of clarity.

My children are not my own.

It is not DNA that separates us. It is not blood or lineage or nine months in another mother's womb.

It is the truth that my children actually belong to God, and I am merely acting on God's behalf, acting as the physical presence of His embrace, His compassion, His correction. This changes everything.

For one, it is incredibly humbling. Every time I feel human rage gripping my throat - anger at how the older child hits the younger on the head, indignation at a child's disrespect and defiance, frustration with the incessant screaming or wailing or whining - I have to evaluate:  Is this holy anger? Is this anger born out of true righteousness or is it the swelling of my pride or a reaction to inconvenience? Is this response going to hurt or teach? When I am sober of spirit, I can take a deep breath and think before I speak.

But when I am feeling frayed, the words come out without filter. The words are harsh, the tone condescending, or worse - shaming. The words are loud, too loud. And after the tears, first on his face and then on mine, I must go to this little learning boy and apologize. I must tell him how I love him and how God loves him and how the way I spoke to him was not loving and kind, and how this is precisely the problem we have as human beings - God is perfect, though, and in that we can place our hope.

And oh, how quickly he forgives - for he is still a little boy who just wants his mama's arms around him.

It is good for me to remember that I am acting on God's behalf - it helps me take the deep breaths first. I try to take time to think creatively about how to turn an explosive situation into a teachable moment. I am reminded to ask for wisdom from above, for eyes to see the bigger picture, for patience despite the inconvenience or fatigue.

This truth also takes the ego out of parenting. My children do not look like an extension of me, therefore I am less tempted to see them as such. But this is just as important for biological children. Because they are God's, they are not required to fulfill our childhood dreams. They are not here to continue a family legacy. It is not important for them to attend the university we attended, to achieve the grades we maintained, to meet or supersede our athletic accomplishments (of which I have few, let it be known). They are not mini-me's competing with the children of our friends whereby we outshine our friends through our children. They are not required to be successful by the world's standards, nor are they required to maintain parental image or reputation. They are not an extension of us.

America is a hard place for raising children without ego. Everything in our society tells us that our children are like accessories - they accent or tarnish us. They bring us pride or shame. They are a way by which we may impress others - after all, if my child makes it into Harvard, isn't that a result of my good genes? My excellent parenting techniques? The superb education I worked hard to ensure?

But children are not purse dogs to be groomed and toted into public to advance our appearance or our career or our family name.

And then there is the responsibility part of this Godly parenting task. I have the responsibility to care for my children - to provide for physical needs, to teach self-control and kindness, to instill values and a knowledge of God.  But it is not my responsibility to control my child. To hover incessantly. To make the decisions for, to protect from every pain (after all, we learn most from trying experiences); this need to control is only born out of human fear, in some, or personal fulfillment, in others.

If I see myself as acting on God's behalf, I will not spoil my children with material possessions; I will give what truly matters - my time and affection and presence. I will not teach my child to satisfy the holes that swell up in his heart from time to time with entertainment and frivolous distractions, but rather with seeking God, with creating and maintaining life-expanding friendships, with giving to others instead of expecting others to always give to him. I will teach him that instead of looking out for Number One, he will find greater joy in serving others - that this will buoy his spirit, help him see his place in this world, reveal his sense of purpose. To love God and love man - there is nothing greater that is asked of us.  Is everything that I do, every gift I give, every experience we navigate as a family drawing us closer to this or away from it?

America provides us with a million ways to shirk our responsibility. If we are adults, we are sold on the idea that children should not infringe on our right to be "happy" - this limited perspective completely misses the truth that loving parents make sacrifices (and there is great joy in this at times). No, we don't become people other than who we have been created to be, but we are frequently inconvenienced for the greater good of investing in these little people within our care. We no longer live wholly unto ourselves.

If we are women, we are told we can be an amazing mother and have an amazing career at the same time - with others raising our kids. We are told that anything less is untrue to ourselves and uninspiring to our children. **

If we work hard, we are told we "deserve" time to ourselves. If we did not have much growing up, we believe our children "deserve" the luxuries we did not have. Our children are beaten down with advertisements that make them think they cannot live without Disney princesses or Halo or Wii systems or iPads or their own personal cell phone.

No. Instead of releasing my children to the whims of a culture obsessed with consuming and escaping, and then worrying about the nebulous dangerous strangers out in the neighborhood somewhere, I will release my children in the care of God, knowing that whatever befalls my children or our family is ordained. And if it is ordained by God, we will be given the strength to meet it and the healing to get through it.

Most of life is not an emergency, after all, though we often treat it as such.

And most of life is worth savoring, not escaping with mind-numbing, spirit-stripping substitutes.

I am just getting started on this run through parenthood, but this I know:  my children are not mine to make into my own image - to ruin through my own passivity, ego, self-pursuits, or need to control.  It does not matter if my children are of my own flesh or someone else's - they belong to God, and I will do my best to parent accordingly.

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**Note: I am not throwing stones at mamas who work outside the home. I am only challenging the thinking that values outside-the-home work as worth more than mothering because it requires greater intelligence or education or talent, or because it is somehow more reflective of who we are as individuals. I also question the "you can, and should, have it all" messages we receive. Women's empowerment today often enslaves us to the impossible idea that we can/should do it all - and we breathlessly, joylessly, and overflowing with guilt attempt to live up to standards that can rarely be met and are not necessary bars to achieve anyway.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like God gives me a little glimpse into somebody's heart. Or maybe, it's that he gives me a glimpse into his heart for someone. 

This morning I stood in the express lane at Vons. I pretty much never shop at Vons, but today I did because it was the closest grocery store to Benjamin's preschool. I wanted to get in and get out. And I was in Vons because I was buying brownie mix - another not-so-usual purchase. I am supposed to be making a dessert for Brent's work party tomorrow - I prefer to make something from scratch, but I just could not afford the time today - so box mix it would be.

I pulled into the lane with one of those gargantuan carts - the kind with a whole plastic automobile attached to the front. Benjamin and Sadie were riding in there and making each other giggle. As my five purchases rode down the belt, a young woman scooted past me. She looked ashamed or embarrassed or something - she was catching up to her cranberry juice with a few items she had run back to grab. I smiled at her; she looked at me quickly and then dropped her stuff on the belt.

From the purchases she was making to her over-processed blond hair, pierced cheekbones, tight and tatty clothes, it appeared that life had probably been hard on her. And instead of being defiant and abrasive, she was full of shame. She seemed oh-so-young to me. But I still didn't get it.

And then, as she was fumbling with her card and her wallet and exuding an awkwardness about her purchases, she turned to look at the kids. Sadie was giggling hysterically - so much unadulterated joy in her laughter. The woman finished her transaction and then looked at me: "She has the best laugh," she said.  "Hearing it just made my entire day."

Later this afternoon it hit me: who this young woman might be and how precious it was that Sadie's laugh could bring her joy. I was overwhelmed with the desire to pray for her - that God would show her love she has never experienced before, that she would be rescued from whatever life is right now, that she would no longer be ashamed, that she would be healed and whole and full of joy.

Sometimes it is good when God shares his heart with us.  If you have a minute, please pray with me for this dear woman.